She's hurt. She's done absolutely nothing wrong. She had no control at the time and yet you still do not seem to understand her actions. Are you always perfect? Haven't you ever done anything silly previously? Something that you really, really regret? Although she apologised many many times, you still don't seem to be able to accept her multiple apologies. Do you even know how she really feels about you? If only you knew. If only you understood how much she regrets doing such things. You don't know how much she really did like you and still does. You don't seem to open up. If only you did, you two could make things better. You must feel so insecure. Maybe that's why you find it so hard to express yourself clearly. Try being more open towards her. Give her another chance to prove to you what you really mean to her. Don't shut her out because she made that one mistake. Forgive her. She was always happy; talking about you and talking with you. She always smiled. She was always positive and always talked as if she had no worries in the world. How do you think she would feel when her happiness just suddenly disappeared? Don't you think she would feel confused or quite unloved? Think about how she would feel. What she was and is going through. Talk to her. Talking things through is the best way to sort things out. Do it for her. Do it for me. It breaks my heart knowing that she's upset.

Today I received two of my exam results and I think I did quite fine. English wasn't as convincing as I had hoped but then again, I had no high hopes; the only reason I remained calm throughout the exam was knowing that I was going to drop down to Standard English next year. But I think I have reconsidered such thoughts. Biology: last ranking was 5th. Haha. I was so happy that time. Wonder what my ranking is now. I'm really nervous. I really don't want to get worse marks than before. I don't want evidence to show that I'm gradually failing my favourite subject or any subjects. The Biology lesson was spent going through our own individual exams, finding out each other's results and bugging the teacher about miscalculations or trying to get more marks from the poor, pressured teacher. Everyone was crowding around her awaiting their easy-gain marks. It was so unfair in my opinion although I had attempted a few times. Some people gained an extra seven marks. I thought it was inconsiderate although it is quite fair: they earned it. I was just afraid that their marks would gradually reach mine and that my ranking would fall lower and lower. For some people, I can't imagine how embarrassing it must be for them when the teacher just reads out a mark saying that it was the lowest. How pitiful would you feel knowing that you came last and your mark was well below the average by 30.2 marks? Moving on. The whole english lesson was spent in the lecture theatre. We all received our results and gained 'knowledge' through the constructive criticism we had to listen to. Yes, my comprehension has developed slightly but my essay writing still remains at a very poor level; yes, it is because I do not read my set texts so I have no quotations to work with or talk about. And also, I always have trouble managing my time and I just dislike reading- there's no explanation.

Wow, tomorrow's going to be yet another nerve-racking day due to the possiblity of receiving three exams in total. Japanese; despite not being able to study for the exam honestly, I really do wish I get at least substantial results and stick to my previous ranking: 2nd. Haha. Out of 9 people :P Maths 2U; I have so much competition. I try hard sometimes and yet I still do not achieve great results. What is this, seriously?! Maths extension; Well, this preliminary exam wasn't as horrible and difficult as I had thought but still I can't get my hopes too high. What if the majority of the class beats me like they usually tend to do? Haha. Nah, I should remain confident :) I just want to come at least 7th *criiiiiies* It's possible :)

I thought you were my happiness- the one who would always be there to comfort me. After all I had been through, I thought that you could have been the one to turn things around. I should have known you would fade away too, just like everyone else had done so. Nothing seems to ever work out for me. Everytime I feel happy or comfortable for once, something just has to happen and ruin the peaceful life I was living. Life always seems brighter on the other side. When will I ever get an opportunity to visit that other side? Or is it just something that is not possible? Or is it just something I don't deserve because of the awful things I had done before? I find it so difficult to understand the things I'm feeling or going through.

Why am I just a substitute for you? You don't even seem to notice me until the time comes when you're alone and have no-one else to go to. Is it true? Or is it just another one of my misunderstandings I should add to the already-lengthy list? Just expressing a few things I have in my mind. To help me cope with my emotional daily life. My everyday life full of confusion and silly complications. I'm starting to realise how or why physical pain could help you forget emotional pain, although it is temporary. You just seem to stay focused on your physical pain and you forget about your other worries for a while. No, I'm not boasting about suicidal attempts or slitting my wrists, nor do I do such things; just that I could understand why someone would or could do such things. Just seem to think about slightly strange things while I just lie in bed awaiting permission from my brain to let me fall asleep. Being an adolescent really does have quite a lot of detrimental points. They come to mind before all the positive points. Possibly because they overpower the small things that are good or beneficial.

The year twelve graduation mass took place today. Seeing the students crying and hugging eachother made me come to the realisation that there are only three hundred and sixty five days until my closest friends and myself are in exactly the same position as they were today. Slightly excited about what the future holds for me but on the other hand, I'm extremely worried about what kinds of surprises it has in stored for me; what I'll grow up to be and what obstacles I have to overcome in the not-so-distant future..