I'm reconsidering my current subjects and whether or not I should continue them or just give up. I'm definately studying everything I'm currently studying now but I keep confusing myself on whether or not I should keep Chemistry. My past exam results were horrible; failing by a massive 14%. This time I improved by 8% and although it sounds horrible, I came eleventh. Hehe, which is an improvement. I was one of the students with the lowest marks in the class and I have boosted myself up to the top eleven out of twenty nine. Studying really does improve your knowledge and common sense. But my brain seems to confuse me. Was it just a fluke this time? Was I just lucky this time? I'm worried about making the wrong decisions like I always seem to make. The teacher told me not to drop so I guess I might wait and see how my exam results go for another 6 months or so.

Finally my hair is getting permanently straightened tomorrow afternoon which means there is no need to wake up early to straighten my hair for school every second day and no need to worry about how it may look to others for a while. Yes, someone once told me that I worry too much about how others may view me but I can't help it. I just try and look reasonable to the people around me. It really doesn't feel very good when you hear someone behind your back saying not-so-pleasant things about the way you look. I guess I shouldn't care about such things but how can I not when people in today's society judge others by their physical appearances? It's not my fault the whole world judges books by their covers.

Although some things may seem better and although I may be happy at some stages, I'm afraid of what others may think or how they would feel. Would they feel happy for me or go to other people and whisper things so I cannot hear? Are they unsatisfied with my happiness and well-being? I have no idea what's happening. I'm so happy, glad and grateful but on the other hand I feel so used and abused. I feel so lost and I feel as though you don't accept the fact that I, too, want to laugh and be happy. I, like you, want to be happy. I want to be able to smile and enjoy my time with others. I've waited so long for things to get better but I keep thinking to myself that you'd rather see me unhappy than seeing me with the people I'm with. It hurts me. It hurts me an awful lot. I thought you would have been glad for me. I thought you would still treat me the same. I thought I grew close to you and that you would accept me and whatever I chose to do. Maybe I've just interpreted your actions incorrectly but that's just how I viewed things lately. Hope this is just a misconception. Just another misunderstanding. One of those which can be sorted out quickly and easily. I just don't want to remain in the miserable past. I want to move on and make things better.

十二月十二日. 기억해줘.