I think i'm getting used to not seeing you anymore. I think I'm getting used to spending time alone, without you. I find it quite bearable now. I find it quite easy to go without thinking about you every now and then. I can finally let this one go as well and try to focus on other things like I've been told to do. Yes, it's true. The opposite sex always stirs up trouble. I'm through with being anxious all the time. I'm sick of worrying what other people will think of me. I'll do as I please and I'll stop caring. If you really meant what you said, you wouldn't care about it either. I want to pretend like I never met you and that you mean nothing to me. We'll just see how thing's turn up. Just stop pretending like you care if you don't. It really confuses me and I don't know whether to be happy or disappointed. Be open. Express what you're feeling so I'm not in a constant phase where I lose myself and spend ages searching. I just refuse to be someone who's always there with emotions you can play with. I don't want to be the second choice off the rack. If I'm your first, I'm there for you but if not, I don't want to be regarded as a substitute. I've been through a lot of tough times and you're one of those people who know better than anyone else. Are you really that inconsiderate as to toy around with someone so emotionally hurt? Someone so insecure? You don't seem to even bother anymore. You don't tell me those little things you used to. Those things which made me happy. Those things that always made me smile to myself. You've given up and you couldn't have made it more obvious than you already have. Maybe this is another misinterpretation. Hopefully it is. But this time, I'm quite certain I've lost another opportunity.

It's lovely to have someone I can relate to. Someone who really, no REALLY, understands me and what I'm going through. To have them able to replace you in comforting me. Someone to replace you in making me happy and to replace you and the things you once said. I pushed so many things aside for you. I've made several sacrifices for you. It's such a pity that you're doing the exact thing for someone else and it's so disappointing that I'm the thing being pushed aside. I've been through this countless times. I really don't know why this time, it seems so painful. Even worse than the others. I miss pretending that I was more than I really was. I miss the times where I could pretend like I had the whole world in the palm of my hand and that everything was going the way I wanted it to. Now, after pushing everything aside, I realise that I was wrong. I know what certain things really mean to me now and I really would choose the people who actually care about me, over you. Yes, I said I wouldn't bother caring and yes, I said I'd let you leave me but something really does feel incomplete without you. It's like something's missing. Something that just should be there to make things complete. It really does feel like there's a missing piece of the jigsaw. When you're not there, I begin worrying and then my thoughts get ahead of myself and I lose control.

I'm not everything you want me to be and I doubt I'm anything you want me to be. I don't have the perfect eyes, the perfect nose, the perfect hair, the perfect height, the perfect weight, the perfect body shape, the perfect personality, the perfect clothing, the perfect smile and so on. I know better than anyone else that everyone else around you is closer to perfect than I am. Yes, I'm most probably the most imperfect person you've met before. They're decent looking, if not beautiful. They've got the perfect body image, the perfect hair, the perfect looks and the perfect clothing. But this is me and the state I'm currently in now is the one that people must get used to because I have no intentions to change how I appear to satisfy someone, although I've tried countless times. I said I wouldn't care about you anymore but it's quite amusing how I still have the effort to try and look more appealing. I want things to be perfect. I want everything to be lovely. Call me selfish. I probably am. I just think that good karma should come may way by now after all the things I've had to suffer. I guess it's better to die trying. The current things I'm feeling; I'm dying, metaphorically.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm the one trying to change you.

♥