I don't know why I want things to work out properly without considering whether other people would appreciate it or not. Did it really hurt when I said those things? Did you feel offended or upset? Did I change the way you saw things? Did it make you realise something you were unaware of before? I hate being not able to do what I want, say what I want to say or go where I want to flee to. It disappointments me. It doesn't affect anyone else but myself. The things I said are probably false. Maybe I was lying to you as well as myself. I don't know why it feels so wrong. It feels weird and so awkward. It seems so fake, so unreal. It feels like I have to pretend like I'm content with certain things to make some other people around me feel better. It's always the same process. Things may seem as if they're getting better but really, they're not. Perhaps I'm just trying to trick myself and others into believing that I'm perfectly fine with everything and that I'm really satisfied when in fact, I would rather not bother. It's so apprehensible that everything's changed and no matter how hard one tries, it's just not possible for things to ever be the same again. Yet I try over and over and over again to see if there would be any slight changes but like usual, there's nothing different. And then I let myself down again by getting my hopes up too high. Then I dislike the state I'm in and seem to think about it all the time and spend too much time worrying over things.


Well I hope you're happy now since everything went the way you wanted and refused to take a step closer to what I longed for. I was quite surprised at first wondering how you could be so unpleased with the things I was feeling better for. I was quite let down. The 'realisation' of selfishness and thinking that people were being so self-centred amazed me but they were right after all. Everything was never meant to happen. I should listen to those around me but what if some people tell me to do one thing yet other people tell me to do another? That, yet again, constantly 'forces' me to remain in a constant phase of being clueless.

Why'd you have to come to me and make things more complicated than they already were? I hate it when you're acting like you're somebody else depending on who's around. You treat me so much differently and it scares me. It actually makes me take a little time to think whether I'm with you or another person. It really does get me frustrated. I know I have to just accept what gets pushed at me but it's hard when it always seems like they're obstacles which affect me so negatively.

I want everything to get erased. I want to start everything all over again.