Will you do those things you implied you would? The things you know I long for? Will I get to experience what I once did unlike now? Will I be able to look back and compare it positively with today? Will I get the chance to look back at myself and be satisfied? I want to quit worrying right now. I want to pretend like I don't care but it's impossible when you do care. I pretend like it doesnt affect me at all and that I'm fine with everything but inside it's not. I'm dying inside. Inside I'm crying. Inside I want to just flee somewhere else where I can escape all this. But running away wont solve anything. They say time solves everything so I guess I'll just have to wait; a long long time. As you're gone, I always have time to think to myself and be expressive. I can think how I can improve and what things I can do to make things better but as soon as I want to say something to you, I either forget or I'm just left amazed by how silly you can be. I try and make things seem perfect while you ask me things which literally kill me inside. Once again I'm left suffering inside whilst pretending everything's absolutely wonderful when really, it's far from enjoyable. Certain things you say bug me. They're so meaningless. They mean nothing to you but mean an awful lot to me. I seem to over analyse things at times and you should know that by now. But knowing that you find it hard to stop, really worries me. It gets me thinking do you say those things to irk me or just because you're plain silly and don't know how other people may hear it? I don't care about it and never did. Please don't drag me into things which are irrelevant to me. I have countless thoughts running through my mind constantly, giving me no time at all to relax and the least you can do is not contribute any other factors into this complex mind. What if I did what I was told? It would just ruin everything even more. Afterall, every time I try to help, it goes horribly wrong. Why would you give me instructions when you know I wont understand and that I'll get lost? Why would you give me a compass when it's broken and I can't even follow it? Why give me a map if you'll take it away from me and tear it into pieces like you've done to me emotionally? You've left me in some cage and thrown the key away so I cannot escape. It's like a boundary I just can't escape. No matter how hard I try it would be pointless; I'll just lose energy and I'll be left exhausted. If I do escape, in a matter of time, I'll be stuck in another one. I thought I would be able to look at the positive aspects of things if they really did happen. But now as I start really thinking about it, I don't care. I want to be the one on your mind like you are on mine.

It was fake and you know it. There's no point trying to make things real. They're all lies and acts of stupidity done without thought. You did and and so I followed which was so silly of myself. I dislike myself once again. I fell again, too easily, for the hundredth time or so it seems. Everytime it happens it seems like the worst but I know, like all the other times, it's nothing. Nothing but wanting to escape the state I'm stuck in. I know people treat you differently in certain situations but you really don't have to change for them to accept you. This is what I keep telling myself to tell you but I just can't risk things. I can't make things worse when everything seems normal or 'acceptably' fine. They told me to lock up my emotions and keep things to myself yet at other times they reckon it'll be better for me to open up. What am I supposed to do when I'm confused by different opinions from time to time? How do I know when to do or say a certain thing or when I shouldn't? I wonder if you would feel better if you really did find out for yourself, what you wanted to know. Would it make you happy realising that you're still worth it. That you're still cared for. Sometimes you get more than you bargained for but you just don't realise. You may have gained one thing but you've also gained something else. Something that tries not to reveal itself too easily. Something that wants to be seen to but just doesn't seem to be able to. Because people don't tell you that this is happening. It wants you to realise it but you're so thick you find it impossible. It wants to be acknowledged to. It wants to be treated like all the other things as well. It wants to be a part of reality too. Not just something imaginary. You make people feel like things that are just being thrown away or pushed aside to wait their turn while you go ahead and play around with other things. They have their own specialties too. They may seem useless but sometimes the useless are needed more than the things you thought were better. Everything can offer you something unique. Something that can really matter to you. It's just a matter of whether you accept it or not. Currently you're not.

I used to think that I was making things too impossible to understand but even as I make things so obvious, you're still left as clueless as you are now. Are you really? Or are you just too ashamed or embarrassed to tell me you know it. I've been told to make it obvious and so I have but it just doesn't seem to work. Sometimes I worry that it'll just go and ruin the tiniest thing that remains. Maybe I'll turn everyting around and restart from the beginning like I once did. I could always pretend like nothing ever happened and that you're just one of the many people I've encountered in my 16 year journey. Maybe you are and that's probably how it really should remain but I think I'm being selfish. Trying to gain more than I already have. Something even better despite already having something priceless.