There's nothing I can do now I suppose. Things happen. Even the tiniest things can make your world feel like it's breaking down. It's happened already and nothing can change it now. Only time can tell you what will happen next. I want to know what went wrong. Where did I go wrong? Is there something I can do to make you alter your decisions? Was it just a playful joke? Well, the consequences of falling too deep are beginning to show. At times I just want you to leave forever and never return. I don't want to hear what you want or think. I'd rather prefer to be blind at times than to see you go around doing things which will hurt me. I hate seeing those little things which make me feel like giving everything up. After thinking that I would be able to let things go, something keeps telling me to hold on. I hate me for confusing myself. Everything seemed perfect and lovely. More than I could have ever asked for. I couldn't have asked for more at that moment. A few weeks and everything was literally shattered.

I had my hopes too high and I think announcing things just make them turn out horribly wrong. Tell me, why don't you see things when everyone else does? Why'd you give up on me so soon? Don't I make it obvious enough for you? I try so many countless times to make you see the things I feel but you just don't get it. You're so slow and foolish. Sometimes I just feel like running to you and screaming it to your face. But I guess there's no use doing that 'cause all I'll be left with is a situation even worse and irreversible than the one I'm currently having troubles facing. I wanted to be the one you could call to talk to at any time. I wanted to be the one who would run to you whenever you needed. I thought I could be all that. Turns out I had nothing to offer anyway and it'll probably be like that for as long as you can imagine. I want you to know what it feels like to be unworthy of doing things you've only dreamt about. I fell asleep crying again.

I always pictured everything to turn out wonderfully. I thought it would be like those movies where the person always gets what they want. They get whatever they wish for. They get their fairytale endings. What happened to mine? Who would have guessed? Everything was at it's best and as soon as one things goes wrong so do many other things. It feels like you control everything of mine. You always seem to overpower me without even realising it. She was right to have pity on me for never getting what I wanted. She was right to rub it in my face. I probably deserved it more than anyone else. It's just that I don't know what horrible things I could've done to deserve such a thing to this extent. Whatever it is, I wish I could just rewind and start all over again or just fast-foward to the time where everything will be more bearable in the future. I really did look forward to doing those things but now I just don't know if I should even reconsider. It was practically the 'highlight' of my awful days but now it's more like a barrier keeping me from things I long for. You always seem to be there; just not for me. It's fine I guess. I can't really change it now. But make it anymore obvious and you might as well just announce it to my face.

There's no need to boast about things. You might end up like I already have. I'm literally dying inside. This smile I smile today is really the equivalent of many tears I shed inside yesterday. It makes me want everything to come to a pause. I don't want to even wonder what tomorrow will be like. Why should anyone when it's quite clear that as more and more time passes, everything gets worse. I try not to notice it but it's just there laughing at me. Those short little words can really cause so many mixed emotions. You never seem to take me seriously the one time I want you to. You just sit there giving me short and bitter answers. I told you I didn't like them once. What makes you think that I would like them now?

Once again I sit in my room alone. I put some music on and I just sit on my bed thinking about the past and what I've done to ruin things. I'm left thinking about things to do so I can get my mind off things. Every minute seems like an hour. The heartache I suffer seems like the amount someone should go through within their whole life span, not on a daily basis every week of every month. There really is no such thing as 'forever'. It's just a stupid word which lets people down every now and then.

If you had to choose one person, who would it be?


mel·an·chol·y /?m?l?n?k?li/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[mel-uhn-kol-ee]
-noun

1.	a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression.

2.	sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.