HAPPY EIGHTEENTH NOELEENE! ily darling. : )

After thinking I was capable of forgetting about everything and just focusing on what was important, I go online and am told something I would be better off not knowing. Yeah, I might be a 'stereotypical teenage girl' but it's frustrating, as well as quite upsetting knowing how selfish and extremely insincere one can be from time to time. Why would you make someone think that there was something in the first place when you're just going to do the same thing with everyone else? Yes, I may seem like I'm nagging on about the same thing over and over again but it's something I just can't understand and no-one is capable for providing a proper explanation for.

It's hard when you're told quite something rather randomly and bluntly; something you'd rather not hear. And the fact that you must pretend to be your cheery self isn't the best situation one could possibly encounter. Some people who always seem to get their ways do not necessarily understand how hard it really is to hide how one is feeling just for the sake of keeping the truth from someone, let alone acting like you're feeling the complete opposite to what you really are. Happy and glad are the last things I'm feeling. And no, I'm not happy for you nor do I wish you well, although that is what I should be doing. I still somewhat pity you for your actions and the things you've said.

The feeling of a slight awkwardness and being uncomfortable is rather disappointing considering the actual reasons behind it all but I'll learn to live with everything since it's not the first time I've felt miserable to such an extent regarding similar matters. There's plenty of better things to worry about or be proud and content about, in fact. The realisation that my life keeps seeming to replay certain segments within it over and over again is quite bothering. I know I'll forget things, but then I'll fall again just like I did several months back. I'll fall into a 'phase' where I just can't be bothered with anything anymore and I couldn't bare thinking about the past as it would reopen wounds that have just recently healed.

I hate the feeling that everything, as well as everyone, has turned their back to me when I need it/them the most; more than ever before. I sometimes look outside my window, hoping to see what I've wished for for a while, but I'm never enlightened by what I can observe. The experience of crying so much your whole body aches isn't a very pleasant feeling. Neither is the feeling be being disheartened, and having no place to go when you're cold, both emotionally and physically.

I'm feeling dead tired after three exams, two of which I have no hope for. However, there are still four 'important' ones remaining, or so they seem to me. It's quite ironic seeing that I still have no motivation whatsoever and that nothing has the ability or power to change that, and for that, no, I do not sympathise for myself; but I rather pity myself.

I feel dead ..