»___this15me.

09/06/09

2009-06-09T19:49:00.001+10:00

Seany taught me wonderful things yesterday:
- If every car around you is speeding, you should speed too; so you don't look like a retard
- You should always eat more than you can so you can always poop it out; it's call a sh*t diet

Yes, he's so care-free :)

26/02/09

2009-02-26T11:50:00.002+11:00

Yesterday, I woke up at around 7:30am and got ready and got dropped off at Canterbury library at approximately 9:30am because I, for the first time, actually wanted to borrow a book to read for leisure but unfortunately, I went 30 minutes too early so I just left because I refused to wait. I guess someone's telling me not to read.. Waiting in front of the library for the gates to open up reminds me too much of HSC period when I used to wake up early every morning, go there and try to get a seat in the quiet area =_ = And all that effort went to waste; look at me now; I'm a freaking failure at uni haha

After realising the library was not open yet, I went to get my fringe trimmed and nevertheless, the hairdresser let me down by cutting (not trimming) it and I look like those idiots with mega short fringes which do not suit them. That only took five minutes so I went to visit Sean at work. Stayed there for 5 to 6 hours and saw Clara and her parents. Had chips & gravy, and sushi for lunch :)

Sean and I went to Morning Glory because I wanted my oversized banana plush toy which I've been nagging about for the past few days. And he actually got it for me (as well as another mini sized one which we exchanged for a pink octopus) which I never would have guessed. When I got it, I was so happy until he told me he had to use his money for his textbook which he cannot buy today :( I felt so guilty. I'm never asking for any soft toys ever again :( We carried the toys and went to Sean's house where he gave me dinner :)

We got the fishing equipment ready, called Danny, and went to Fitzpatrick Park located in Georges River National Park. Stayed there for a few hours and lit a bonfire (my first one ever hehe). After the flames went out, a heart shaped redness remained. Awesome :) We stayed there a bit past 11pm and Sean drove us home while Danny told him the directions and I snoozed off with my sexy banana :) He woke me up at 11:55pm and got me home before 12am as he promised :)

08/12/08

2008-12-08T09:23:00.009+11:00

Happy birthday to Danny (for tomorrow)! :)

On Saturday, I went to Sydney Boys High School to sit my STAT exam and it was very mind wrenching and it was particularly hard for me as I always have, still do, and always will suck at English comprehension, and a lack of common sense will always be my weakness. Afterwards, I went home and took a nap for 5 minutes until my phone started ringing. My nap ended there cause I had to get ready to go to Danny's birthday celebration at Sydney's house. It was a small gathering but nevertheless, it was fun and what not. Sean, Quan, Danny, Michael and Lap turned up. Only stayed over til 12:30am because I was falling asleep on the couch while everyone else was drinking or playing games.

Yesterday, I went to work and there was a fete on Marrickville Road so it was quite busy for a Sunday (and no discrepancies ftw). Sean and Stephen visited me at work and they waited for me to finish by eating hot food next door. I bought a monkey soft toy because it looked like Sean (seriously) and Sean got a rhino soft toy because it looked like Stephen? lol. It was one of those toys that have sleepy-looking eyes because of the eye lids only allowing half the pupil to be showing. They're not my favourite toys. Some man asked me if I was Korean and I was happy because, for once, they didn't ask if I was Chinese or Japanese first. Come on; just because I look Asian does NOT mean I look Japanese. I'm the furthest you could look from being Japanese (well, to an extent at least) =_ =

After work, I went home to pick up Milky and put the leash on her, took her to the park and stayed there for a few hours. I got cut because she seems to like Sean and Stephen more than me :( Maybe because she's straight? I'm not too sure.

I still need to go shopping for birthday presents as one is a week late and I hate not giving presents on time. I'm thinking of getting Bon a gift card from American Apparel (as opposed to the inital idea of getting him a FM transmitter because he purchased speakers from work) since he seems to talk about shopping there quite often. I'm thinking about getting Sean some kind of gaming console but I'm not sure which one is better and which one he'll prefer, let alone whether he wants one at all. So it's either a PSP, PS3 or a Wii and I have absolutely no idea what the difference is so what makes you think I know which one to get? :( Well, so far, I have ruled out PSP because I was trying to talk casually about whether a PSP or PS3 was better and he said PS3. Now.. is a PS3 better or a Wii? Sigh. I don't know but Wii does sound better to me o_ o

My mom told me not to go out too late for the next few days at least because she's not having very good dreams +_ + Fact or fiction?

I went to the Korean grocery store in Campsie to buy instant noodles for lunch and while I was walking out, some man stopped me by saying "Hi, how are you?" and so I just politely replied "Good thanks" and tried to walk away. Then he asked "Do you know if there is a place in Campsie that does Korean massages?" and I thought to myself "Koreans do massages?" so I, once again, replied politely "No, I don't think there's one around this area" and he didn't seem too surprised. I took another few steps, trying to get as far away from him as possible. He then asked "Do you know how to do massages?" with a smile and I don't know why but I didn't feel anything near surprised or flattered; I felt bloody frustrated and angry so I just walked off after blunty replying "No". I hate people like that. Don't they have dignity? Something called pride or self esteem? What would their family and friends (if they have any) think of them? They should be ashamed of themselves. Previously, I think, I heard Monique or Rosa or someone else talking about some man asking for a massage in Ashfield. That suddenly came to mind and now I understand how they would have felt. Meh. At least the man in Ashfield offered them money. Mine didn't even offer anything! LOL. Just kidding! Needed to end this entry in a happy note.

I miss you Sean Dong-Woo Kim! :'(

05/12/08

2008-12-05T20:32:00.003+11:00

Today, once again, I woke up at 6:40am and checked up on Milky and gave her some food and water. Had to help my parents with work various times throughout the day which was a bit frustrating because they would call me out at 30 minute intervals, literally. But after everything was completed and delivered, I was free. I went to the pet shop in Burwood to buy a leash and harness so Milky could walk instead of staying in her hutch or in a basket all day long. I bought it (without checking prices in other stores) for $24.99 and honestly, I feel very ripped off as I checked eBay and they were auctioning it for a minimum of $8.99 only. Sigh. As soon as I got home, I tried to put it on her a few times but she kept running (or should I say "hopping") away from me. When I finally got it on her, she was as free as a bird (well, to an extent at least). A few minutes later, I was sitting in the kitchen with my parents eating peaches, and I was asking my mom why Milky was jumping up and down and moving around and around like crazy. And then she was shocked and told me to hurry up and untangle her from the leash. Turns out that she was going in circles and circles and the leash wasn't long enough to do what she wanted so it was pulling, and tightening the harness which made her choke. My poor baby. I'm so sorry for thinking you were once insane :( It took a horrible 5 minutes to untangle the horrible thing but my dad helped which was a relief. Poor Milky was breathing like it was her last breath and her eyes were going weird so I thought I lost her forever. I almost cried and my mom told me off for that :P But luckily she's as good as new. I finally got the chance to kiss her (lol lesbian!) and everything was good until she bit my finger but not as hard as the time she actually peeled my skin a bit :( Oh, and she also tried to jump out of the hatch and succeeded but thankfully, she just clung onto the door and I was able to put her back in. I don't know why, but at that moment I couldn't help but sing 'Spider pig' to myself o_ o

03/12/08

2008-12-03T14:12:00.002+11:00

The STAT test is on in three days and so I must go through all the practice questions by today or tomorrow. It's amazing how many questions they expect you to attempt in an hour's time. Okay, fine. Only 70. But it amazes me as it took me forever to interpret what certain passages were trying to say due to the level of vocabulary used (pretty darn high). The maths sections on the other hand were not too easy nor too hard and I liked it as it was challenging but I eventually got them correct at the end :) I got 62 out of 70 (that's if I get all my remaining questions right; haha yay?).

Yesterday, I woke up, helped parents with a bit of work, got ready, did a bit of chores and went to Sean's house and watched TV. Then we went to Burwood to eat but we decided to look at the pet shop first to see if there were any bunnies that caught my attention but unfortunately, there were none. So then we went to the pet shop on Burwood Rd and saw an adorable white bunny with orange/brown spots/patches on it and I fell in love with it when it stood up on its hind legs and let me touch her :) Sean bought her for me, and we got a rabbit hutch and hay. We took her home (despite my parents' disapproval) and when I got there they weren't very happy; not happy at all for your information (Then why did I buy her? Simply because my parents told me to wait until we moved houses but she's been using that as an excuse for around 4 years now, so I think it's about time to start being a little rebellious. She said she would buy me a laptop if I got good for my UAI (which I didn't compared to my goal) but she said I did but despite that, I have yet only got an imaginary laptop. She always told me that telling lies was one of the worst things you could to do her to grind her gears but why is it suddenly a-okay for her to do it? =_ =). They both gave me silent treatment but tried to remain neutral in front of Sean. They're talking a bit more to me today than they were yesterday; we'll see how it goes. I have to raise her myself because my parents said they're not going to. I have no idea who's going to take care of her when I start uni next year but until then I'll take good care of her :) Oh, and her name's Milky :) I think I'm a lesbian cause I love her :)

This morning, I got up at 6:30am just to prove to my parents that I'm actually responsible, and walked to the park up the street (in trackies and with bed hair) to pick grasses for Milky :) Some random Asian lady told me that the grasses I picked were suitable to take home for human consumption as Greek salad but I'll pass on that one. I guess I'll be seeing her tomorrow as well; if I wake up on time.

01/12/08

2008-12-01T10:21:00.003+11:00

Happy 21st to Bon for Yesterday! :)

There's exactly one month left til the new year. I'm excited. I just want this horrible year to be over and done with.

On Saturday, I went fishing with Sean and Stephen and it was raining a bit when we got there but it stopped in a little while. But I think getting wet even that little bit has contributed to me getting sick. Now I have a blocked nose and an itchy throat which is really grinding my gears. At least quite a few fish were caught (Y). I left at 1:30am and the boys stayed there til 8am in the morning.

Yesterday, I dragged Jen to work with me cause Bon refused to work on his birthday (and the rules changed so I can't work alone). For five hours, we were just talking and bludging while reading magazines (but doing everything we were meant to do, of course). No discrepancies for the first time in a long while so congratulations to myself =_ = Afterwards, I drove to Bon's house to give him his pay slip and the keys for next Saturday (because I can't work because of my stupid STAT test). Then we went to Maccas and got icecream and went to pick Sean up. We went to Stratty and had a late lunch/early dinner at 'Arisun' and we ordered wayyyyy too much! Four dishes for three people is definitely going overboard. Oh, and the service was pretty average; leaning to the bad side.

Afterwards, we called Sarah, Derek, Kathy, Jessica, Andrew, Helena and Ravi, and went to bowling. While waiting for them, Jen and I were playing pool and gees, we sucked like--- we just sucked heaps. LOL it took me 3 tries to actually break up the thing at the beginning. We were hopeless. Haha. When everybody came, we all chipped in money for bowling (2 games) and paid $100 altogether. Pretty good. Jen and I chose songs from the jukebox etc etc. It was a good night afterall. Got home at 11:30pm and my mom wasn't too happy but it's alright because I don't care anymore +_ +

26/11/08

2008-11-26T12:28:00.004+11:00

Yesterday, I was supposed to meet up with Connie at Campsie station but when I woke up, I found that my dad had taken the red car and my brother took the silver car to work so I had no way to go to pick her up (pick her up as in 'physically'.. woah; as in 'literally'? sigh). So I decided I would get my lazy ass out of bed and walk half way to the station and meet up with her in the middle, and so we did. Then we went to my house and watched 'Hitcher' again just because I love that movie; it makes me jump every time I see it. Really, it does. We went into my family friend's store cause Connie saw a cute shirt and she tried it on. It looked nice so she bought it :) Afterwards, we went to have lunch at 'Se Jong Hwae Gwan' and ordered chicken galbi and bulgogi, while talking about random thingZ (note: the deliberate 'Z') ;) Oh, I'm so immature. We went home and watched 'You Got Served' cause simply, I wanted to. I think it's a classic but Connie was dissing the actors' acting abilities and his poor methods in trying to make it seem realistic. I junked out on chips (I try to avoid eating chips but Connie tempted me. Not really, I just like to make her feel like the guilty one; hehe).

After a while or so, we were going to go to the city (to do what? I don't know) but then I called Sean and he said he was at Stratty on his way home so we (or rather, 'I') decided to wait for him in front of his house. Connie and I were singing along to random songs I burnt :) When Sean came, initially, it was good. But then, eventually, as per usual, we got into the argument of who was going to decide on what we were going to do. And while we were arguing, Connie was just sitting in the front seat feeling awkward as awkward can be (lol sorry Coon!). Yes, we were supposed to visit Alex at work but he messaged me saying that he was working on Thursday *sigh* Well, after the argument, everything started going downhill so we decided to watch a movie at the cinemas but there were no seats (three in a row) so we decided to just go to dinner at 'Palm Breeze'. Afterwards, I drove Connie home (poor thing), and Sean moved to the front seat and fell asleep so I had to somehow make my way to Strathfield station by myself. And we all know how hopeless I am with directions so while Sean was sleeping comfortably, I was scared because I was driving around randomly in the dark without a clue of where to go, getting lost and making countless U-turns. And as stubborn as I am, I refused to ask for directions but then again, I somehow found my way to Campsie and I was proud of myself. We went to Campsie, I woke him up and expected him to go inside but we stayed out til 11:30pm talking and making up again (as we always do :P) and by the end of the night, everything was good as usual. I went home, quickly gave him a goodnight call and then went to sleep so I wouldn't get caught getting home too late (A).

Oh, I saw Esther yesterday :) First time in around 5 years or so? I missed her sooooooo much! :D

I woke up this morning, and got scolded at by my mom because I woke up "late". I think I woke up at a very early time considering that it is the holidays afterall. Is 9:50am really that late? I think not! As soon as I woke up, my parents went out somewhere and I was online and watching the ending of 'Inside Man' on Sean's iPod. I like that movie. It's rather interesting and I would'nt mind watching it all over again. After my parents came back, I went to the buffet in Campsie (the one Connie and I were contemplating about yesterday) and it was alright. Not too bad. Not too good. Or the other way around. Whichever floats your boat. I saw people from my old church there and it was quite awkward as they knew I quit going there and moved to another church. But then again, I don't go to that church as well anymore anyway. I'm such a good Catholic, not?! Well since then, I've been at home all day until Jen asked me if I wanted to go karaoke tonight. Why not?! (despite telling my mom I'm staying home tonight). I guess things just popped up, yes? :/ Haven't seen the girl in ages; good enough excuse, I guess. Haven't seen Chriss, Michelle, Annie, Katey and Sarah for agessssssssssssss as well! I'm excited :)

22/11/08

2008-11-22T19:28:00.003+11:00

I woke up at 8:15am this morning and got ready and went straight to work. Opened the store 3 minutes early just because a customer crept in behind me when I was walking in. He ended up buying nothing. I was working, and Sean gave me a surprise visit (he said he finished work at 5pm but finished 2.5 hours earlier and came to see me; hehe). Poor thing is going to lose weight. He looks so dead already after two days. Construction tiling is not as easy as it may sound; it's not even close actually. My poor poor baby :( Well, he certainly made my day, brought me food and kept me company. He's so tight with Bon now (LOL). An hour or so later, Bon's sister also came to pick Bon up. We finished 20 minutes late because some stubborn woman wouldn't leave the store even though we said we were closed twenty minutes ago. I hate those customers. I just want to throw all the glasswear at their heads. You'd think they would leave to set a good example to their kids. Maybe that's why they're such nuisances everytime they come; so loud and messy and always looking for things to eat behind the counter. What are they? Dogs? They're irritating (although the youngest one is pretty cute). I'm just really not in the mood today 'cause my mom stopped me from going out. Yes, I'm childish but I don't like being stopped from doing what I planned to do. I was supposed to go out to Stratty with Sean and Stephen but screw that now. Sigh. Parents can be so annoying at times. And why do they have to worry so much? "Oh no, it's cold outside so wear long pants. You'll freeze. Wear a jumper too!" Correction. YOU'RE cold and YOU'LL freeze. YOU wear a bloody jumper. I'm perfectly fine. But what can you do; change to make them stfu. I was going to go clubbing with Jen, Sarah, Annie, Katey, Chriss and I don't know who else, but several things changed my mind. I'm not really in the mood, I don't want parents to call me in the middle of the night/morning constantly asking where I am which might jeopardise me going out for the next few days, and I don't like the feeling of being surrounded by perverts especially when any contact with other people may lead to emotional outbursts. I'm just spending the night home tonight. Yay fuckin yay, stupid holidays! (Excuse me).

21/11/08

2008-11-21T13:26:00.003+11:00

Happy birthday Yang! :)

Something came into my head this morning while I was chatting with a uni friend. Yesterday, I went to Campsie to meet Sean at his aunt's store and while I was walking there, some curry came up to me, gave me a pamphlet, and said something in his Currynese accent (which I could not decipher) and then asked for money. And the Good Samaritan that I am, gave him all the change I had in my wallet which was $1.25 (yes, that was all I had and yes, I know I'm not so rich) and after that I was broke (literally ZERO CENTS). But as I handed all I had at that moment over to him, he looked at it and smiled at me as if he was thinking "Is that all you have to offer my poor curry relatives who weight 29 kilos each?". I felt so shocked and angry that such a curry asking for money on the streets would not be grateful for my $1.25 when he should be happy about finding 5c on the floor. I felt like snatching my money off him, dragging him into KFC and making him watch me eat a chicken wing. I hate curries. Never liked them but I hate them more since yesterday. They're so impolite, loud and two-faced. GRRR! The pamphlet was so NOT-convincing. There was a picture a man sitting with his legs crossed and a photoshopped light surrounging his half-balding head. Yes, I'm on a hate rampage right now and I don't care if I insult any curry lovers! I jsut hate them!

P.S.: they smell funny too!

20/11/08

2008-11-20T19:34:00.006+11:00

Happy 21st birthday to Cam! :)

Today, I woke up at 10am and took an hour to get ready cause I was taking my sweet time like I always do. My parents drove me to Fivedock so I could choose the car I wanted to purchase. I chose the Toyota Yaris (September '08 model) cause it's affordable and won't hurt my wallet as much; oh and for your information, I think it's pretty cute and girly :P What's the point of getting a sexy car when I look ridiculous in it, right? (I'm trying to convince myself that I chose the perfect car for myself so let me keep dreaming) Buying a car is like buying clothing. You don't want old people who look like they're about to die driving around in a RX8, do you? Yay for CD player and power windows; such an upgrade from my old car (but I still love my old car more; it's called memories).

Plans for the new few days;

Go shopping but hopefully stay within my budget.
Go night fishing with Danny, Allan and Sean (Pimpin' bruh?).
Go shopping for Bon's 21st party.
Go to Bon's 21st party?
Save up for partying on NYE and NYD, and buy gifts for Christmas and Sean's 21st.
Meet up with Connie on Tuesday!♥
Meet up with Yang someday; that f-cking dog (excuse the language).
Buy iPod headphones cause they broke for the 2398572985th time.
Need to think of what to get my mum for her birthday.
Hopefully go to another drinkup with Christian, Collin and Sean before Chrstian goes overseas (Pimpin' again; lol).
Meet Desmond one day.
Meet Jein and Angela some other day.
etc.

Today I put the $333.00 I got from tax into my bank account and felt bloody good until I had to withdraw 2k (for the car). Sigh. It's really disturbing when you're at the bank with your older brother and the bank teller flirts with him. *Shudder* Please don't. Afterwards, I went to Sean's house for a bit and then we went to Stratty because my dad needed something. Sean drove ;) Tomorrow, my brother, my cousin, my cousin's boyfriend, Sean and I are going out for dinner. We'll see how that goes. It's really awkward knowing that the first time your older cousin saw your boyfriend was when you were sitting on his lap outside St. James when you're half intoxicated and have painful feet cause someone's heel jabbed right into your skin.

Last night, I went to 7eleven to buy drinks and my nail broke. Now now, I know it's not the end of the world but it made me seriously feel crap. What's up with that? I don't want to become that girl at high school who was screaming like her family drowned in a river just because her nail broke. I'm strong. I can live without a nail, right? Last time I went to the beach, my nail fell off and I freaked my friend out (LOL). Yes, that was the day we were hallucinating that the seagulls were flying tissues with legs.

I miss (back in the days) when we used to meet up, go to random Chinese karaoke rooms, drink a bit too much, get wasted, vomit everywhere, and somehow help each other get home and hear all about it for the next few days at school. It's been pretty much a year since that last happened. Oh dear; what happened to my rebel messed-up self?

I secretly miss you but can't meet you; it's hard (It's not what you think).

19/11/08

2008-11-19T18:09:00.002+11:00

"I aced my last exam!". Yes, I wish I could say that but I can't. Well, I know for sure that it will be one of the better exams I've taken this semester. And now, since everything is finally over, I have nothing in particular to do. Obviously I'm going to meet the girls some day, and hopefully meet other friends during the next three months, but that's pretty much all my 'plans'. Oh, and maybe visit Alex at work one day with Connie :) I still haven't booked a date for Sean's driving test which I should do really soon. I need to chip in $2,000 to buy a new car; no, nothing fancy. I was supposed to put the tax amount I got into my bank account but I got too lazy and pushed it to tomorrow. I have no other plans for tonight other than probably going to Burwood for 'coffee'. I'm considering straightening my hair again in these long holidays but I don't know if I can cope without showering for 3 days in the hot summer.

I'm looking out my window because I have nothing better to do. I see cars driving by, and birds flying by, and wonder where they're going and why they're going there. I see a parked car in front of my house and I wonder who drives it and where they are right now. I wonder what my neighbours are doing and whether they're fighting or not. I wonder what I'll be doing tomorrow; but then again, it is Thursday and we all know what that means; Thursday night shopping! :)

Yesterday, I met Sean at Stratty at around 8pm, we got Maccas and we drove to Burwood to watch 'Mirrors'. Maybe it's me being unable to cope with horror movies (as much) anymore, or that movie was very scary. Not necessarily "scary", but it was more heart-racing than any other movie I've watched recently. Maybe it was because Sean kept trying to freak me out during the quiet scenes; and succeeding. I can now conclude that I hate mirrors and the ending of that movie; it wasn't clear enough for me. I like things to be obvious; I don't like thinking much and that tried to make me but I refused to, so I just accepted it. Wasn't very content when I got honey mustard sauce over my iPod and glasses case. That's what you get when you sneak chicken nuggets into the cinemas.

17/11/08

2008-11-17T19:34:00.004+11:00

And so, as I predicted, I really did not do well in my physics component. Out of 50, I would be grateful if I go 20 or even 15 for that matter; really grateful. On the other hand, the other component (which I spent way too much time on) was quite easy as the lecturer gave us real big hints as to what to study. So cudos to him. Why did I have to be the odd one out and be the only one who did the climate change component of the exam first and then run out of time for the other part? Why can't they tell us on the exam paper, how much time we should be spending on each component? Aren't exam papers meant to clearly state that, at least? Grrr. I guess I can only hate myself for not thinking logically: "2 hours for 2 components. So one hour per component". Sometimes I really do wonder how I got into uni and how I actually passed the first semester. My workmate always hates me for not studying but still getting credit(s) and distinction(s). He says I should be at tafe considering the minimal amount of time I spend on studying on a daily basis. Look. Even now; when I should be studying, I'm on blogger, blogging about random thoughts that ran through my head throughout the whole exam while other people while writing til their little fingers got numb. Oh, I looooooooooooooove you uni oh so much. What would I do without thou?

16/11/08

2008-11-16T16:00:00.005+11:00

So yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of the SKIMs. Yay :) Nothing special happened (although seeing Sean is pretty special in itself) because the only thought that was going through my head was how I'm going to deal with and survive through the final 2 exams of the year and quite honestly, I have no bloody idea. I have an AFNR exam tomorrow and I've only written notes for the Agricultrure component of the exam (and I still haven't memorised the notes) and still haven't gone through the Physics component (yes, I do physics and YES, I hate it so much!) at all. So.. plans so far? (besides completing this entry) I guess I'll try to stay up til around 3 in the morning, catch 4-5 hours sleep, then wake up at 7:30am, get ready, rush to uni and sit the exam at 9am. LOL. Yay? My final exam is on Tuesday (yes, the day right after my AFNR exam; GRR!) and I haven't attended 60-70% of my lectures so I have no notes which is apparently helpful for the exams. Oh, how I regret not studying consistently throughout the semester. Actually, no. What's done is done. I regret nothing! I had fun bludging and going out when others had to study, right? Wrong. My mind keeps on contradicting itself and I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm going to study now. I literally feel doomed.

Something just came to mind right now. It's so funny how guys will try to flatter girls by saying the most 'stupidest' of things. Last night, I went to Maloneys (where I saw Vera and Wilson) and there was a guy and girl sitting on seat next to Sean and I. They (or the guy at least) had a bit to drink as he was speaking extra loud (or maybe it was because the music was so loud and everybody was literally screaming along to 'It's my life'. The girl was going on about how pretty her friends looked on a particular night whereas she always looks ugly and so on. Then the guy bursts out "ARE YOU SERIOUS? LIKE C'MON. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YOU'RE GORGEOUS. GORGEOUS GORGEOUS GORGEOUS. LIKE SERIOUSLY.. YOU'RE GORGEOUS. YOU'RE THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. I'VE MET ANOTHER GIRL LIKE YOU BEFORE". And just as I was thinking about how cute they were (despite the obvious lie and taking 'cheesy' to a whole new level), he looks at her again and says ".. What was your name again?". I don't know why but I felt that really annoying. Now, that was a whole lot of 'random'. Luckily the girl realised all the guy's bullsh-t as she said "Thankyou but you don't have to lie to me. Yeah, okay; just keep feeding me more of that bullsh-t". I wonder if she was just being coy or if she actually knew that he sounded like a complete moron. I actually did think she was pretty too though.

I guess Bon was right afterall. I'm not going to study as soon as I get home from work. I'm going to bludge, watch TV, go on Facebook, play with my cute little birdies (and worry their parents to death while doing so), etc. 13 more days until his 21st party; homie styles! Hmm, what to wear.. what to wear..

P.S.: Why yes, hello Noeleene. Hehe :P

14/11/08

2008-11-14T20:58:00.004+11:00

I hate time. Have you ever wondered how much more pleasant life could be if no-one worried about the time or if it never existed in the first place. Even though life would most likely be impossible without time, it would still make a lot of things a whole lot better if it didn't exist. People always argue about time and it's so important. If you're late to a job interview, chances are, you won't get the job. If you're late to an appointment, you have to wait for even longer and waste even more time whilst doing so. If you're late to meet someone, they may get frustrated (unless they're really nice, or they secretly came 10 seconds before you did). If you're late and you have no good excuses, you get lectured at. If you're too late, it could mean the end of your life. If you stay up too late and don't go to sleep 'on time', you get eye bags or dark circles and then you look ugly (or the exception of some bastard people who look cute even with eye bags). If you're late to an exam or remember it 3 hours after it started, your exam may be over and chances are; you'll just fail your whole subject or course. If you're too late, you may lose the person you love or miss an opportunity you may never get again.

Point of that whole paragraph? I'm fucking screwed for my exams. I want more time to study! Hehe =P

Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of the SKIMs! =]
ae gi yah; sarang hae!♥

02/11/08

2008-11-02T19:21:00.004+11:00

I have no idea why, and it's not really the first time, but I felt extremely ugly today (yeah, you might say "you are" but i really felt really low in self-esteem). Maybe the whole body image thing is getting to me. In high school, all my girls used to tell me to stop worrying about my image, saying that I looked fine. Maybe it's the transition into uni that has really affected my thoughts. Friends (obviously jokingly; I hope) keep reminding me of how 'imperfect' I am and how ugly I am and that's fine but isn't once or twice enough? I try to laugh it off but do they really have the right to say that when they're far from perfect as well? Sure, they may be a whole lot closer to 'perfection' than I am but give me a break. I'm so sick of trying to put up with things. Is selecting aesthetically pleasing things always the best option?

Today, I had work again from 10am to 3pm. I don't know why but I just randomly hoped that someone would jump through the door and give me a surprise visit but no-one came to visit and I don't blame anyone. I just really hoped someone would be there for me. I feel really uneasy nowadays which reminds me about high school when I used to always get upset about the smallest things. I'm just really glad I had people around me to put up with my antics and emotional outbursts which I would always blame on PMS. I really miss that environment where everyone cared for each other. I miss the smiles; uni just seems like a place for hardcore studying and nothing related to enjoying life. Maybe it's just my over-exaggeration because I miss high school so much but right now, it feels like hell. Maybe tomorrow will be better; or next week. Possibly next month or even next year? That's the only thing that seems to keep me going. I'm sick of the same old routine; wake up at 7:30 am, shower, rush to get to the station by 8:20 and catch the train; possibly falling asleep and hoping I won't miss my stop. Then walking to uni everyday is a killer; being afraid that my heels will get caught in the little holes or cracks on the floor of the bridge I have to cross. Why not wear heels, right? Wearing flats, thongs or chucks makes me feel like a man and I really hate it.

I'm hoping to start studying (for real) from tomorrow onwards but I always say that so I'll see how I go.

01/11/08

2008-11-01T17:52:00.005+11:00

It's almost 2009 and I feel so disappointed in that I feel no accomplishment. What have I learn this year from attending uni lectures? Pretty much nothing except for the fact that I definitely prefer high school and I feel like I'm wasting time doing this stupid course. My mum asked me (out of curiosity) why I didn't resit the HSC and try to get into Veterinary Science but the only thing holding me back was the fact that I didn't want to be in the same grade as those in year 12 right now. It just feels too shameful and I would be too embarrassed to actually attend class on a daily basis.

Today, all I did was go to work, eat a bit of cake and pide, and I probably might go for a 'jog' later tonight with Sean for the first time in how long? It reminds me of how we used to go every night before we used to date and how I used to always slow him down with my sausage-dog-like short legs :) Oh, that reminds me; the last time we went walking through one of the parks in Campsie, we came across a couple having sex next to the foot path. Yummy, yeah? I felt so embarrassed and ashamed for them and couldn't help but laugh.

So much bludging and going out every night for the past few months has been really relaxing yet worrying. So, what have I done for the past few months or weeks? Let's see.. I've been going out with my baby (of course) and we've been out to dinner almost everyday (hence, I'm soon going to roll to uni and save on train fares), we went to the library (to study, of course?), we've been to the beach (when it was freeeeezing), I lost my wallet (for the fourth time) at the Burwood food court toilets (and started whaling in public), I've been to the buffet at StarCity (with my family), I accidentally lost Sean's wallet at Bronte (so sooooooo sorry!) so I bought him another A/X one, we went to friends' houses, we went to Canterbury league and other cafes (mainly George's Cafe) for coffee, we've watched movies, we've been randomly cruising around, Sean came over to my house, and so on. That might seem like so little but excuse my short-term memory and it's inability to remember events that have occurred more than one month ago.

Last Saturday, we went to Kenji's 21st birthday party which was on a cruise at Darling Harbour. The organized speeches and photo slides were very cute and touching, and made me want a birthday party like that. Never have I seen the same girl pash and dirty dance with so many guys and girls in one hour. Minus the fact that I barely knew anyone, the view was pretty and Connie kept me company on the phone which was sweet cause she was at karaoke with other friends and left them for me (That's right! She LEFT THEM for ME :D). The person controlling the cruise also kept me company until Sean came :) Afterwards, we tried to find a motel but we weren't willing to spend over $90 for a few hours so we just decided to go home and sleep.

Two more exams to go and then the HSC is finally over for Sean! :) I'm so happy for him. Even though he's planning to go to tafe, I hope he gets better than he expects and makes it to uni; preferably Sydney uni and then we can go together :P I hate seeing couples in uni haha :(

I swore never to speak to you again and it's going pretty well so far. I admit that at times, when you try to contact me, I want to talk back and ask how you're going and if everything's going fine but I know I can't. I have priorities and right now, you're not my top one. I'll hopefully talk to you some day in the future and we'll both (not just you) look back and laugh.

15/07/08

2008-07-16T16:22:00.002+10:00

s-kim6700, 二月間♥

<33

2008-07-09T21:33:00.003+10:00

simply the best =]
# she's a happy happy girl
w/ a happy happy smile #
gay song but describes me perfectly =]
(the happy part; not the gay)
xx
CINGMYBBYTMR=D

2008-07-02T21:09:00.001+10:00

skims do it better!
‹3 iLmybigbaby :)

<3

2008-06-26T13:04:00.000+10:00

SK!♥0515.

09/06/08

2008-06-09T13:33:00.002+10:00

HAPPY BELATED 18TH SARAHBABY! : )

Umm, about saying that I'd start studying today.. I pushed it to tomorrow simply because it's a public holiday today and no-one studies on a public holiday. Well, that's my excuse anyway. I've been going hard out during STUVAC and my mum actually approves because she thinks it's an actual holiday; not a time for me to stress out and study hard to pass uni. A few days ago, I went clubbing with Jen, Chriss, Sarah, Annie & Vera; pretty alright minus the fact that there were guys following asking "Does your group wanna join ours and dance for a bit?" *Looks at each other. Ignores people. Walks away. Dances in our own little group* Got really sweaty & alcohol started to get to me a bit towards the end of the night, or should I say morning. Some stupid girl wore heels she couldn't walk in and eventually stacked it right before the stairs; lucky. Lesson learnt: Baileys shots taste freaking awesome after a beer; mmmm.

Went to have coffee with Sean today and afterwards, we walked to Quan's house, watched 'Fool's gold', Sean ate like no tomorrow, we stole Quan's endless lolly supply (LOL), and left at around 6pm. Had dinner with Connie at George's ;) Had our mini catch-up. Such a shame my voice was still gone; couldn't say as much as I wanted. Better get better by tomorrow. Found out the Asian waiter Sarah befriended was Korean. Oh, and my cousin's friend =_ =

Well, today (10/06/08), I promise myself that I'll study; hopefully. My face has bad acne issues. BOOOOO!

01/06/08

2008-06-01T21:19:00.003+10:00

It's already the sixth month of the year and those six months relived again, will lead to the year 2009 and I don't even have the smallest amount of content from uni. I feel like I've learnt absolutely nothing of particularly outstanding importance and I'm so angry about the choice of my uni course that I use it as an excuse not to study. Very bad Susan; I know. I've been going out literally every night (except tonight) and my parents are starting to get really worried. To add to their worries, I've been going out all the time at least past 9pm earliest, til the next morning which leaves my mum awake, worried for my safety, until I get home and fall asleep. Yes, I'm still a little girl (A). So what?! (Attitude ftw. Yang says it's PMS & he feels sorry for my "bf". *GLARE*)

Well, nothing of striking importance happened during the past few days but here's a summary of my boring yet extremely relaxing past few days:

Thursday;

No more quizzes for uni during Semester One!
Got my crap marks for the Biostatistics quiz but hey, apparently everyone got sh-t. Except that random girl who got 9 out of 10; GRR!
Chemistry Practical assessment; identifying unknown anions and cations is a b-tch. Results come out on Thursday. C'mon Zinc Sulfate! Yay, I sound like a freaking retard =_ =
Went Broadway to buy a scarf for my big baby : )
Wore heels just to annoy Jen with the sound but karma got to me when my feet started stinging on the way to Central Station; gg.
Saw my big baby : )

Friday;

Skipped the 8am calculus lecture yet again; no big surprises.
Drove Jen and myself to Camden for the final time.
Sang along to the radio for an hour or two.
Didn't get lost, amazingly. But did on the way back.
Screamed until our throats hurted; love that girl! : )
Still loving 'With you' ‹3
Sydney and Sean rocked up at my house at around 9ish.
We walked up the road to Quan's house; long time no see : D
Randomly called Connie : )
Bon randomly texted me with a typo in every word he wrote; yay for intoxication! Haha.

Saturday;

Work from 11am to 4pm.
No discrepancies for weeks now (Y).
Went to Stratty at 10pm to see my big baby : )
Was freeeeezing!
Watched 'The Victim'; made me jump so many times.
went home by 2:30am.
Got a few hours of sleep, got up, showered, and went to work.
Bon touching the mannequin's boobs.
Photos.

Today;

Work from 10am to 3pm.
Quiet as day.
Got so many stitches from work; LOL.
The regulars from Manly came; long time no see : D
It's amazing how one t-shirt can start a conversation about underarm hairs.
It's also amazing how that conversation can last for up to an hour or so; LOL!
Bon trying a corset on & getting stuck in it & squirming to get it off; PRICELESS! LOL!! xD
Chasing him around the store to whack him with the broom.
Getting paranoid about wondering if the CCTV cameras actually worked.
No discrepancies again (Y).
Good pide.

17/05/08

2008-05-17T18:07:00.006+10:00

Things that happened within the past few days;

MY EIGHTEENTH! : D
Parents gave me cold hard cash and a rip-off wallet; Oroton ftw!
Uni til 5pm.
Watched 'Shutter' at Broadway during my 3 hour break.
Connie shouted me tickets & gave me pretty pretty yellow tulips : )
Jen & Chriss gave me a long red rose & a black scarf that I wanted : )
"OMG, why's your smile so big?!"
Sean gave me a v. pretty bunch of red roses; aww, hehe : $
Helen got me cK perfume & moisturiser; omg sex! haha : P
Naomi got me a gift certificate so I can look pretty : ]
Spilt Hydrochloric acid over my hand during my chem prac & now it's stained for months; GG.
Dinner at Kobow with Jen, Chriss, Connie, Helen, Naomi, Sean, Josephine, Monica and Monique.
Mmmm, Soju (Y).
Monique, Rosa and Hannah w/ Wesley came later.
Everyone had to leave early; sob.
Caught a bus to Stratty with Chriss and Jen who got off at Ashfield, and Sean.
Watched a movie at the DVD room.
The number of sex scenes.. seriously can't keep count o_ o
Caught the Cab home.
Only got 3 hours of sleep cause I had to wake up to go to Camden for my uni field trip.
Catching sheep = scary & shameful.
Tying them up = (N).
Looking at their teeth = WTF?!
Tractors are gay. Tillage can go hump a pole.

23/04/08

2008-04-23T17:07:00.004+10:00

Uni doesn't seem to be on my side anymore. Correction; it never was. Being bombarded with quizzes and assessment tasks isn't the greatest feeling in the world. I may be stating the obvious but I just hate myself for leaving things to the last minute; something I always seem to do. It's like one dot point in my very extensive list of 'bad habits'. I left my AFNR assessment to the last 2 days and I do admit I tried pretty hard but not my best. It turns out that after I submitted my work, it was wrong and I didn't incorporate the essential 'recommended' references. I realised how many errors I made and that I couldn't replace it with my proper draft copy. If you're thinking "How stupid can someone be?", I'll reply "very" and relate the whole stupidity subject to myself. I've been extremely sick during the past two days; no exaggeration. It was the worst flu ever. I could barely keep my eyes open and this leaded to sleeping anytime, anywhere; whenever I got the opportunity. I slept during my lectures, I slept during my tutorials, I slept on the train, I slept on the bus, I walked with my eyes closed when there was no one around. After all that, you'll realise how exhausted and tired I really was. Despite this I had to complete my assessment and it was like hell. Having to complete a task within a few hours time with a blocked nose, a sore throat, a sore neck, a sore back, a very high fever and the feeling of having needles pricking you everywhere is not the ideal way to spend a Tuesday night. I hate my routine life; it makes me so disappointed and depressed everytime I come to think of it. It's always waking up at around 6:30am, taking a shower, rushing to the train station, sleeping on the train, walking to the bus stop, catching the bus, watching people get off one by one, walking to my first lecture and you get the point. Afterwards, I do the same thing but backwards, get home, have dinner and then get ready to sleep. How is study incorporated into this daily routine you may ask. What study?

30/03/08

2008-03-30T19:12:00.002+11:00

Due to wasting my whole Easter break and because I have been doing nothing except killing time online, listening to music or watching movies, I have completed nothing related to uni work; not even satisfactorily. The whole uni life is a pain in the behind and it's so unfair in so many ways and is a complete waste of time and energy (majority of the time). I totally forgot that the BIOL and CHEM quizzes had to be completed in a certain period of time at home and I simply just forgot about my CHEM quizzes! When I remembered to do it and I logged into WebCT, I realised that I had logged into the site two days too late and hence I couldn't complete it (let alone start it) and now I currently have big fat zero for CHEM. GG life. Isn't life oh so freaking fair?! This is just plain bullsh-t!

The first bio quiz I did with the help of a friend via MSN (lol thanks yangmang), I got 6 out of 8 and even with that, I was disappointed as I watched my chances of transferring into the Veterinary Science course gradually fade away. Well, that was until I was over confident and decided to do quiz number 2 without any prior studying or preparations. During the quiz, I was running around trying to find my study manuals, my ruler and my calculator and wasted a whole two minutes. I never knew how fast 8 minutes could fly by. It was really the worst day since uni commenced; no exaggeration. I got graded a 2 out of 8 and was so shocked I was seriously shattered. It's nothing, it's only a "quiz", you can always make up for it later in your studies, or whatever you may think.. I've lost the smallest amount of motivation I had remaining. The fact that you have to "save" all your answers for them to count is a load of bullsh-t too! I answered one question (at least) correctly for sure but due to the fact that I didn't save it, it came out that I didn't attempt it. That's what's so stupid about working on the Internet. You see.. if that was a quiz that was to be completed with pen and paper, I would've submitted my answer successfully and gotten an extra mark. "What's an extra mark going to do?" you may ask. Well, for these quizzes, a single mark is worth like 10% and the best 7 quizzes is worth 20% so give me a break!

I called you cause I was upset and even though you didn't do much or say a whole lot to comfort me, I just heard your voice and that made my night. Or maybe it was the Smirn Off. Hehe, just kidding. Thankyou for being there for me, as always :)
You were the one who told me the full truth, the one who would always ask what I was up to and if I wanted to just go kill time and relax for a change. You would listen to my rants and help me feel better. You actually sacrificed a whole lot of time for me and I really appreciate it, even though I don't really show it.
Weeee, ILY :)

I have a spot for this song, and no, I'm not in some horrible teenage "love" crisis. I just like it :]
'You were my Everything' by Aviation ‹3

You’re the one that I want, the one that I need
The one that I gotta have just to succeed
When I first saw you, I knew it was real
I’m sorry about the pain I made you feel

That wasn’t me; let me show you the way
I looked for the sun, but it’s raining today
I remember when I first looked into your eyes
It was like God was there, heaven in the skies

I wore a disguise 'cause I didn’t want to get hurt
But I didn’t know I made everything worse
You told me we were crazy in love
But you didn’t care when push came to shove

If you loved me as much as you said you did
Then you wouldn’t have hurt me like I ain’t shit
Now you pushed me away like you never even knew me
I loved you with my heart, really and truly

I guess you forgot about the times that we shared
When I would run my fingers through your hair
Late nights, just holding you in my arms
I don’t know how I could do you so wrong

I really wanna show you I really need to hold you
I really wanna know you like no one else could know you
You’re number one, always in my heart
And now I can’t believe that our love is torn apart

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

I knew you gonna sit and play this with your new man
And then sit and laugh as you’re holding his hand
The thought of that just shatters my heart
It breaks in my soul and it tears me apart

At times we was off I was scared to show you
Now I wanna hold you until I can’t hold you
Without you, everything seems strange
Your name is forever planted in my brain

Damn it, I’m insane,
Take away the pain
Take away the hurt
Baby, we can make it work

What about when you
Looked into my eyes
Told me you loved me
As you would hug me

I guess everything you said was a lie
I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes
Now I’m not even a thought in your mind
I can see clearly, my love is not blind

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

I just wish everything could have turned out differently
I had a special feeling about you
I thought maybe you did too
You would understand, but…
No matter what, you’ll always be in my heart
You’ll always be my baby

Our first day, it seemed so magical
I remember all the time that I had with you
Remember when you first came to my house?
You looked like an angel wearing that blouse

We hit it off, I knew it was real
But now I can’t take all the pain that I feel
Reach in your heart, I know I’m still there
I don’t wanna hear that you no longer care

Remember the times? Remember when we kissed?
I didn’t think you would ever do me like this
I didn’t think you’d wanna see me depressed
I thought you’d be there for me, this I confess

You said you were my best friend, was that a lie?
Now I’m nothing to you, you’re with another guy
I tried, I tried, I tried, and I’m trying
Now on the inside it feels like I’m dying

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

And I do miss you
I just thought we were meant to be
I guess now, we’ll never know
The only thing I want is for you to be happy
Whether it be with me, or without me
I just want you to be happy

27/03/08

2008-03-27T21:07:00.001+11:00

26.03.08 ‹3

it's not what you think, trust me.

22/03/08

2008-03-22T12:29:00.004+11:00

Yesterday;

Just because I told my mum I was going to Angela's party til 4am, and because I found out it was 18+, I decided to go out somewhere else : )
Met Sean at his house and he took forever to choose what to do.
He ended up making me choose.
We went to Circular Quay to go 'Pancakes on the Rocks' because I owe him a shout but the line was too long; it extended all the way up the stairs and to the corridor on the right; tis insane, yah?!
We just left and decided to go 'Meat & Wine Co.' but he said it was too expensive. What happened to "I'm going to make you shout me something verrrrry expensive"? Who knows.
Ended up going to 'Kobow' and ordered hotpot which we couldn't finish. Half of it remained untouched; so cut, so cut..
The employees kept dropping dishes and I found that really annoying.
Sean drank Soju yet again, and yes, he smelt like it for the whole night/next morning.
While we were just about to finish eating, some guy got up and hit another guy in the head with a Soju bottle which broke and shattered all over the floor.
Next thing you know, the whole restaurant went silent and just stared at the stupid act the two people were putting on under the influence of alcohol.
The guy that got hit in the head bent over trying to pick up a piece of the Soju bottle from the ground. He missed a few times cause he was drunk; I found that strangely amusing o_ o
His girlfriend tried to stop him and slipped on the floor but she got up again, not only to find her boyfriend pushing her out of the way by pulling her hair; I felt sorry for her.
Sean and I just left. All I could hear was "Sh-bal.. sh-bal.."
We went to watch Step Up 2 and was 20+ minutes late; that was a pretty gooood movie and actually has a meaning behind it.
Caught the bus to Campsie and went to the park and bummed the night away; damn having no trains at 12:30am.
Lying down until it started "drizzling" harder and harder.
Stayed out til around 3:30am. On the verge of just collapsing and falling asleep.
Sean took my earring and never gave it back. It was white gold too
: O
He told me this riddle. Tell me if you know what the answer is xP
"What's greater than God,
eviler than Satan,
Rich people want it,
Poor people have it,
If you eat it, you will die?"

The day before yesterday;

Met Sean (again), Danny, Michael, and Imran at Campsie station.
Apologies for making them all wait for me; mwahaha.
Saw Jeanette.
Danny went home cause he had to study : (
Got to Central and met Zac, Peter, Louis, Kang, etc.
Went to Harbourside to go bowling but couldn't go in cause it was over 18s; bullsh-t.
Decided to go to George St. to watch 10,000 BC. Pretty alright movie.
For once Sean didn't kill my movie; Hurrah.
Who knew there was a new Timezone? ._ . ;
Sean got some Coronas and we went to Darling Harbour.
Zac left first cause it was late. I hugged him; He was so little & adorable. The typical small honky looking guys. Naw.
We wanted to go home but there were no trains to Campsie so we got off at Sydenham. Some guys took a cab home while Sean, Kang, Louis and I waited for Danny to drive us home ‹3
While waiting, Louis showed my some coin tricks; sooooo freaking trippy.
Got home at around 1am.
And now you know why I haven't been studying this long weekend.
It's my one and only time to catch-up so I'm really going to try and make an effort to study today. Only a little bit, if not a lot : /

15/03/08

2008-03-15T16:39:00.003+11:00

Yesterday;

I had the hardest time trying to stay up during my maths lecture and my head almost slipped off my hand that was supporting it =_ =
The Asian dude behind me was sleeping like no tomorrow.
I saw the JJ Lin look-a-like again. (I seem to see him in every single class I attend; he's always near me)
During my 5 hour break, Jen, Vera and I went to the Copy Centre, went to the clothing store in Wentworth Building but got nothing (I saw a flannel shirt I wanted to buy and it was really affordable but the only remaining size was too large), we went to the food court, started talking, "tried to study", Jen and Chris got their Captain Planet t-shirts (lol sexy) and got free bees, etc.
Saw Regina, Christina, Linda, Angela and Lauren. Oh, and I saw Ashley, Chau and Bianca a few days ago too.
My AFNR practical (my most dreaded class of the week) was the worst! I had to suffer 3 hours in my group where I knew no one (Jen was in the other group cause our freaking surnames were 3 apart; sob) and was lost throughout the whole session. My demonstrator tried to make me feel better after I got my dichotomous key imperfectly completed by saying "It's not wrong. It's not wrong!". I felt like a was falling behind even more than ever before.
After I finished, I was waiting for Jen to finish whilst playing with her Smiggle pencil case; lawl. That could occupy me for hours (yes, I'm easily amused and intrigued). We finished at 5pm.
50 minute bus ride home; got the worst headache.
Got ready to leave home again at around 7pm to have dinner with Sean at Stratty. Oh the detrimental points of driving! (You can't drink! Oh, duh!) I was eating with the sweet smell of Soju going up my nose (lawl).
We were bored and I said I wanted to watch a movie so we went to Burwood cinemas and watched 'The Eye' and I must admit, it's a pretty decent movie. Sean killed it by trying to freak me out every minute and by constantly saying "Omg, she's hot. OMG, she's soooo hot!", referring to Jessice Alba, obviously. I told him to shut up. He still smelt like alcohol =_ = The moral of the story was very cute and extremely sweet. I was "naww-ing" throughout the whole movie. Oh, and also the time-to-time jumps when something suddenly popped up.
Most of the movies coming out soon are in the list of my interests especially 'Step Up 2'. Mm mmm. So watching that one! : )
Got home at around 12:10am and sneaked in, washed quickly, and went to bed before I got caught and lectured.
P.S: I wish time could freeze ‹3

Today;

Got up at 7:30am to get ready to go to work.
I thought the flannel at uni was a bargain. Bon's was cheaper than whatever you'd guess; envy. Oh, and he got me a canvas bag because I told him I wanted one from ages ago but could never find one. Ain't that sweet?! : )
Some random man came up to me asking what nationality I was. I said I was Korean and then he acted surprised and said he has a Korean friend. Oh, that line is so overused. I've heard it so much in the span of 3-4 months I've been working there.
All summer stock is only $2 at the moment and some of the bric-a-brac is 50% off. What a bargain so come you cheap asses! : P Despite all those sales and practically everything being worth $2, we got $530+ (which is pretty decent). One girl bought a dress and a shirt today which I never saw before; they both looked quite nice and retro. I never see anything good when I search ;_ ;
I saw a vintage looking bag at work today which came out in white and black and I'm so surprised no one purchased them! I've decided to buy the white one at the end of tomorrow's shift if they're still remaining. If anyone wants the black one, I'll save it for them. The thing is, I don't actually have a picture of them. Bon does. He says he's going to advertise them on the net; hehe. I'll try to get the pic off him.
I said I would study today and hopefully I will (at least 2 to 3 hours!). I'm so not dedicated and I lack motivation. I always complain that I'm falling behind but I'm "all talk and no action". I hate myself for that; breaking promises to myself and then being disappointed about not being able to keep them. I tend to both pity and sympathise for myself. Sigh.
I despise your immature self for making them upset. They don't deserve any of the poor ways you treat them. I don't even know why they bother, or why I previously did either. You should mean nothing to them, nor anyone else. You're other half must be stupid.. If you have something to tell them, then say it to their faces instead of making your little messenger boy do it for you! At least have the "dignity" to do that. Be a man, seriously. You need to learn a lesson or two about loyalty. GAHH GAHHHHH *jabs eye with chopstick* (Yeah, I'm no better saying this behind a computer screen a suburb away (guess who it is guys =_ = but I'm not as pathetic as you!). RAWR!
I woke up this morning with half my voice gone. I couldn't even talk until I drank a nice warm cup of tea. I had a headache, a fever, a sore throat and felt a strange dizziness.

11/03/08

2008-03-11T19:25:00.002+11:00

Uni seems to be increasingly bearable but I'd still rather be at high school with my closest friends, with people concerned about my well-being if I'm looking a little too pale, and having people there to actually tell me what's coming up, what I should be doing, and waiting for me if I write a sentence a few seconds too slow. Knowing everyone in your classes, knowing their names and their own unique traits is a thing of the past now; something I miss, as awkward as that sounds and feels, it's true. No longer am I greeted each morning with many cheesy grins and warm hugs. It's just a wave or a smile, or nothing at all. Joking around with the lecturers is only made possible by the "teacher's pets" and/or geeks or nerds who suck up for extra exam marks. I hate walking from one side of my campus to the other being few minutes late all the time. I don't' like the feeling of having no one notice you if you're away for no given reason. I guess I'm not comfortable with the idea of dependence just yet.

The train from Redfern to Campsie was awfully crowded today and I hate the mucky feeling of the public's body heat and the awful odour from their bodies. Looking forward to something today led to a large disappointment. Being a second does not feel too great. Not being told something until you call someone makes you feel.. not so good. I went home with my missing smile and although I went "outside and faked a smile", I think my mum knew something wasn't so picture perfect today; it's one of those scary 'mother things'. When I went home with my smile turned upside down, I saw my dad greet me with the biggest smile I've seen in years with his hand waving like crazy; that really brightened up my afternoon. I have a really bad habit of eating way too much when I feel upset or stressed and that's exactly what I did when I went home and chucked my uni bag on my table where I haven't sat for study since the HSC exams ended. Now I'm left with a sick feeling in my stomach which I'm currently using as an excuse not to study for the night.

You made me upset by leaving without saying, but one phone call changed just that.

On Saturday, I went to Summer Hill park with Sean just to bum, just to kill time and simply, relax. We also had dinner at a Thai restaurant at Ashfield and drove past BC and DLS. Due to my phone being on silent the whole night, I missed quite a few phone calls from home which left my mum awake until I got home at 2am with a frown on her face. Also, on Monday, Connie came to USYD to keep me company in my math lecture and attempted to try and write my notes for me. She eventually gave up after 2 or 3 sentences and dissed my dodgy lecturer. Haha.

I still feel sick. Food.. is bad?

08/03/08

2008-03-07T18:26:00.004+11:00

Today;

Work from 9am to 4pm; time flied by quickly today.
Only got approximately $550 despite the "50% off sale" on summer stock ._ . ;
We threw balls around trying to get it into the basketball hoop.
Accidentally accepted a huge mirror donation that would fall into the 'furniture' category so we priced it ourselves hoping that we'd sell it by tomorrow afternoon.
Kept eating the mini easter eggs (actually, that was just me; hehe) that were supposed to be for the customers; At the end of the day, half of them were gone (no exaggeration, and no, that wasn't just cause of me eating them ;_ ;)
Put some jewelry into random jewelry boxes but found it interesting how a watch that no one was interested in was sold in around 10 minutes after it was placed around those cushion things..
Tried to tidy up manchester at the counter.
All 3 regulars bought nothing today.
Ugly jewelry from last week was sold.
Some woman kept talking to me in her language. Do I look like a non-Asian to you?!
We finished on time today and counted the money 5 minutes faster due to no discrepancies
Bon's favourite song came on twice (LOL, he was dying); "HEYYY! SURPRISE!!"
Some lady said to him: "She's a very pretty girl but don't tell her I said that or she might get a big head". I feel insulted =_ =
We sold around 25 ties today. The same regular bought them all. We always nudge each other when we see him come into the store : P

Yesterday;

Caught a train from Campsie to Central.
Realised I left my wallet at home meaning I had to rush quickly behind someone through the ticket gates to get out of the station. Oh the shame.
Walked from the station to uni since I had no money for the bus. Made it almost on time; just approximately 3 to 4 minutes late.
Saw Bianca, Sally and Connie throughout the day : )
I ended up not going to the Kesus meeting yesterday. Angela and I substituted/sacrificed it for Market City shopping; lawl.
Five hour break went by quickly cause we went to Market City for lunch and to get our student discount cards. We took a good 5 minutes choosing which free pencil we wanted from Smiggle. Hehe.
Got an Ipod Touch today : D
Took me forever to try and get the songs onto it but brother got it in a few seconds.
Everytime I hear girls bitching about other girls at uni, it reminds me of 'Mean Girls'.

05/03/08

2008-03-05T14:36:00.006+11:00

I really love having my first class at 9am as opposed to 8; It, of course, gives me extra sleep, and it means I don't have to rush things which prevents me from forgetting to take things with me.
I woke up at around 6 with a huge grin of content on my face of being able to get the long awaited "extra sleep", despite the short 30 minute difference from other days. Waking up before 7:30am was unthinkable to me during high school but "a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do".
I think I saw Vienne across the street somewhere at Redfern. I was going to scream and greet her but I was late so.. a snob was I this morning =_ =
I got to uni just a few minutes late and my first lecture and tutorial were both CHEM1001. I knew no one so yet again I was alone but at the end, I saw Chau and Bianca. Thank goodness. Chau and I were like fat kids who were given a lifetime supply of free cake when we saw eachother. Uni life is just simply stressing. I always wondered why I kept seeing "nigels" on the Open Days. Well, now I know. It's hard to make new friends every single day who, as Nelson says, "Will befriend you to steal your lecture notes". LOL.
I have a Kesus (Korean Economics Society, University of Sydney) meeting at 5pm on Thursday with Angela. It's a presentation which welcomes Korean (of course) newcomers of USYD. It was free and includes an explanation about the program, meetings, forums, M.T, BBQ parties, cruise dinner parties, assemblies and dinners. Well, I attempted to make it sound as interesting and exciting as possible. Attempt failed, I guess.
I went to buy my lab goggles for a BIOL1001 practical I have tomorrow. I just hope that I remember to wear "closed shoes". I possess no such thing.
My mum finds it awfully hard to accept chucks due to the fact that they make my feet look bigger than they already are. Jeebus, it's hard living as Big Foot when it comes to shoe shopping (duh!). She bought me a pair anyway though. Me.. in chucks = LOLOL.
I couldn't see my eye candy in BIOL1001 today and I wasn't with Jen or Chris for once : o I was so cut. Hehe : P
I was going to go Broadway shopping after uni today but since my last lecture was at Wallace Theatre, I really couldn't be bothered walking to the other side of the place.
I skipped lunch cause of uni again; Actually, it's not really "skipped" since I make up for it by eating truckloads of junk food when I get home. Let's just say.. "My lunch was postponed once again".
Sean and Quan came to my house in an attempt to drag me with them on the drive to Randwick. Sigh. I haven't seen them in ages. GG uni, you kill my social life. Okay fine, I saw them a few days ago but still.. : [ I didn't go hoping that I would stay home and try to understand what the hell the lecturer was talking about in CHEM1001 today but I'm blogging and chatting with Nelson; lol =_ = A few seconds after Sean saw me, he saw my cut and asked what happened to me. He cares oh so much about me. LOL not. I scratched my arm at work while trying to tidy the mens' ties. Damn bitches they were.
Fingers crossed I'll start studying at around 4:30 to 5pm. So much for trying to be persistent and determined to constantly study hardcore to transfer to Veterinary Science next year. A limited number of places for "transferees" but 309572093560293571 people wanting to transfer = people punching people in the faces and pulling each others' hair trying to get into their ideal course; don't take that literally, dummies.
Last night, I had dinner with Sarah, John and Kevin; a really easy going and cool bloke he was. He does Veterinary Science with a UAI of 97 point something ;_ ; We went to Lim's Charcoal Barbeque buffet at Hurstville and no one was able to each the $29 worth we paid for. Oh, and by the way, $10 for a jug of watered down Coca Cola is a rip off!
I miss my high school girls..
Nelson says:
u know i love u ‹3
Nelson says:
=D
Nelson says:
hug hug? XD
LOL. He loves me~ ^^
I killed heaps of time and I think this is lengthy enough.
Everyone at USYD is skinny : O
Au revoir.

03/03/08

2008-03-03T16:09:00.002+11:00

Today;

First and worst day of uni; 8am to 3pm.
Saw Jennifer, Christine and Regina.
Stayed with Jennifer for the majority of the day complaining that my feet were sore.
Walking around all day in uni with heels on is not very comfortable kiddos.
Very easy maths lecture; sigma notation.
I find it hard to read the O.H.P; i need to get my eyes rechecked.
Met random new people; someone called Sarah, Grace, Nick and Gabby who apparently knows Connie.
Went to my optional Chemistry tutorial; very crowded.
The tutor announced the $100 fee and a whole bunch of people just left the room, including myself. Haha but I'm actually going to attend next week onwards.
Went to the USU stores to get my laboratory coat for $23.35; gg student access card!
Skipped lunch.
I actually use my 2008 diary now.
Woman told me wrong directions so I got lost in Redfern meaning I had to walk around with sore feet in heels.
Fluked my way eventually.
Saw Desmond at the station. Tehehehe.
I like his timetable : (
I just noticed I have a 5 hour break on Fridays til week 10 or so.
D: "Ladies first."
S: "That means you should go first."
D: "Omg, I'm trying to be a gentleman."
S: "But you're the lady!"
D: "You don't get me."
S: "Nah, I do."
*Desmond walks out first*
D: "Bitch."
LOL.

2008-03-02T16:50:00.002+11:00

Today;

Work from 10am to 3pm.

Yesterday;

Was Mardi Gras.
Work from 9am to 4pm.
My $150 to fix the car up.
Dinner with Connie at Seoulria.
Bulgogi, Don Katsu & Jabchae w/ side dishes, of course.
Released inner Asians at Capitol.
We were noobcakes.

The day before yesterday;

Quan's barbeque from 6:30pm til late.
West Coast and Black Label (gone within the blink of an eye).
Playing Jenga under the influence of alcohol is hilarious.
I owned all in Monopoly; LOL..
.. until Sean stole my property =_ =
& I tried to sleep but he kept hassling me ;_ ;
Got home at 2am due to work the next morning.

Tomorrow;

First day of uni from 8am to 3pm.

28/02/08

2008-02-28T19:09:00.004+11:00

Today;

Met Angela at Central Station & caught a bus to Sydney Uni.
Sudden heavy rains left everyone soaked.
Dodgy photos were taken for the Student Access cards. Angela laughing at my photo until she saw hers and bowed her head down in shame: "And I thought yours was bad.." Haha.
Joined however many unions we wanted.
Really wanted to join the Hong Kong Union just to hear what someone's voice sounded like; he was my eye candy for the day. Hehe.
Walked past my eye candy 2309572985692 times.
Got caught walking past him 2309572985692 times.
Met Jennifer and Christine. Told them to join the HK Union.
They refused and decided to scream my name: "SUSAN! They said you don't have to be from Hong Kong to join! SUSAN! SUSAN?! SUSAN!!" which led to me screaming and running away.
My Billie canvas shoes turned from white to reddish brown in colour.
Complained about my shoes.
Met Jein and went to the teaching lecture which was complete and utter boredom.
Jein went back to UTS.
Complained about my shoes again.
Lunch at Market City for Angela & I.
Complained about my shoes again.
Shopping at Town Hall. We bought 2 winter clothing items each. Tis Cute.
Complained about my shoes again.
I want white chucks.
Saw Yoomin on the way to QVB.
I want a winter coat.
I still want my Country Road bag and another different one too!
I still want more heels
P.S: Connie is a dog. Yeah, that's right Coon! dog! ;_ ;

Yesterday;

Meeting for Momentum at Strathfield Library.
Attendees: Nelson, Desmond, William, Annie, Tommy, Vivian, Josh, Tandeep, etc.
10am til noon.
Got kicked out of the room because we were noisy and had one person too many.
Are you/Do you know someone struggling or in need of advice on how to cope with and excel in the HSC? Momentum is here to help with our goal to aid students of all levels at an affordable price! Visit http://m.pixelwarrior.org for more information!

22/02/08

2008-02-22T17:01:00.004+11:00

HAPPY 22ND ANNI TO MY MOMMY & DADDY : )

Wednesday;

Bought shoes : D
Got lost in Canterbury; Haha noob.
Saw Sean, Danny, Quan and co. playing tennis.
Went to Quan's house to watch a movie.
'Alvin and the Chipmunks' is sooo freaking cute! Weee, Theodore! : )
Picked up pizza at Earlwood.
West Coast.
Sean & Quan were being idiots.
I was the normal one.

Thursday;

Bought heels : D
Shopping & Bondi Beach with Jein, Angela and Clara.
Got owned by the waves.
Diving and swimming led to more ownage; GG.
Accidentally pushed Angela down whilst underwater then tried to push her back up but ran out of breath and drank a whole lot of salt water =_ =
Angela & I hallucinating flying tissues. They were seagulls.
Sand massage ; )
Attempt at tanning.
Attempt.. failed.
Clara didn't want a tan. She was the only one that got one =_ =

Friday;

Bought heels : D
Got paid from work.
Went to UTS with Jein for orientation and listened to boring lectures that were irrelevant to me.
Bumped into a bastard called Franky (I know you're reading this, you turd! : o) who hit me in the head with a folder =_ =
Jein shouted me lunch.
Talk talk talk. Felt paranoid that the man next to us was listening to our conversation.
Saw Alison at work.
Went to Capitol to release our inner Asians.
Jein accidentally pressed 'OK' without picking the right photos. So in conclusion, we got all the screwed up pictures; gg Jein =_ =

Saturday;

Work; 9am to 4pm

Sunday;

Work; 10am to 3 pm. So dreaded.
Working w/o Bon; I'm gonna die ;_ ;

16/02/08

2008-02-16T17:21:00.009+11:00

Last night = drink up. I can't remember much except for peeing behind a bush so here's Rosa's summary : )

- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
hahahahahaha
- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
well 1. you were drunk
- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
2. monique was drunk
- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
3. you were both drunk

- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
there was 1 annoying bastard
- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
hahahhaa

- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
hahahaha
- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
well ill try remember some things:
* monique went missing with ejay. we all thought she had wild sex in the alley way
*you almost walked into the pole
*rocio, monique & gonzo were high
*monique fell backwards on the swing like 29834902834 times
*you & monique kept drinking
*there were 2groups at the party.
*it was pretty fucking boring
*david is pretty

- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
*you, me and monique some how walked to moniques house =/
- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
*poor david bought some ingine food so you could pee
*monique threw up on the corner of the street
*fuck. i have a pimple on my eyebrow

- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
*by the time were 21 were going to have liver failure. GG life *knocks on wood*
- ღ ; ЯOSA [c=20]♥[/c] -- says:
too much drinking rawr
sujanii, weeeeeeee : ) says:
LOL that's so true! fuck, we're gonna die ahahahah sweet~

: ]

<3

02/02/08

2008-02-02T17:15:00.000+11:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDY! : )

It's funny how customer count can double, triple, quadruple and what not due to a sale. Like come on; every thing's cheap as it is anyway. Well, I encountered another weird person at work today. She was just standing around looking at random things for several minutes. The next thing you know, she comes walking to the counter with the biggest grin you could ever see on a face. She puts a 'Power Rangers' video on the counter and says with a big cheesy grin that she never knew she would find it and that one of her dreams had come true. She shook my hand, started kissing my hand and then hugged me whilst other customers just looked in confusion. And while all this was happening, my workmate was just staring and laughing at the situation I was stuck in. After all that commotion, she left and I was scarred, feeling awfully unclean and insecure with slightly wet hands (foul indeed).

Well, I finally found a cure to my everlasting boredom. I (well, my brother to be precise) got my hand on several DVD's that will last me a good few days which include 'I Am Legend', 'When A Stranger Calls', 'Disturbia', and 'The Abandoned' which I craved watching for quite a while now so I'm as happy as whatever at the moment.

I told a white lie, hoping that you wouldn't get mad at me, and to make things get better by making the awkwardness go away. However, it's been proven (for me, at least) that every time someone lies, they get caught; it's like karma. Every thing's good for now but I'll have to wait and see how long it'll take until I get caught red handed and you despise me even more than ever.

I still have hope that I will get an offer from uni in the latest round cause I can't just let my dream of going to veterinary science just blow away from me due to lacking simply 5 UAI marks. Life's tough =_ = Well, one year of animal and veterinary bioscience for me to conquer before I can do what I want. I'll be spending that year with a friend from primary school. We used to flood toilets, wrap each other up in toilet paper, steal school property and the list goes on. It'll be an interesting year 2008. Hehe. Oh by the way, I got a job offer at a chemist but it's on hold until I get my timetable which I have no idea of how to receive; gg.

"Absolution requires sacrifice". I feel like I'm torn between two. BLEH!

26/01/08

2008-01-25T18:51:00.000+11:00

Yesterday;

Saw Bon on the train to Central.
Met Brandy, Noeleene and Connie at Broadway and had lunch.
Scarred them all by wearing shorts; sincere apologies ladies. Haha.
Apparently everyone kept touching each other o_ o
Brandy was being all paparazzi at Noeleene.
Watched 'Sweeney Todd'; that's one violent, sad and funny movie.
We released our inner Asians at Capitol.
Went to our humble abodes.
Watched Djokovic verse Federer and win; bittersweet.
Got told something; really cut.
Excitement and expectations really do lead to greater disappointments.
Tears..

Today;

Work from 9am to 4pm.
Tidying manchester is tough work.
Huge freaking banking discrepancy.
Things have turned upside down now.
Now it's back to one disappointment after another..
So cut.

24/01/08

2008-01-23T23:25:00.000+11:00

Yesterday;

Gloria Jeans with Sean and Danny.
Tasker park for basketball; Danny drove.
Each of us went home to have dinner.
Met up again afterwards to go to Sidnees.
Ice-cream took ages to come out.
Sean finished the deck he bought yesterday; tsk tsk : o
Went home to get dinner for brother working night shift.
Danny and Sean went in to use the toilet; mum saw them.
Got food for everyone to eat but Sean ate and drank it all; pig.
Tried getting into Campsie pub but they checked I.D's so we couldn't go in.
Drove Danny home.
Went to the park with Sean; D&M's.
Got a headache and was shivering cold.
Drove Sean home.
Said his wallet was missing.
He bolted back to the park.
I drove back to the park.
He said he found his wallet.
Drove him home; again =_ =
Got home in one piece.

Today;

Went to Redfern and followed the "young-looking" crowd to USYD to accept my offer.
Got lost for an hour or so in the hot hot heat.
Eventually arrived at the Veterinary Science Conference Centre out of pure luck.
Filled in a confusing enrollment form as well as 328956205702975 other sheets.
Got lost again.
Franky came to USYD and waited hours for me o_ o
Eventually met.
Walked around here and there to get everything completed; took another few hours.
Got my student card; not-so-perfect photo.
Saw Jennifer and her sister.
Tried on the laboratory coat, overalls, and what not.
Sore feet.
Skipped lunch.
Saw Sarah and her mum.
Broadway shopping.
Boost; no, we were not drinking Boost the drink whilst eating Boost the chocolate, whilst in the Boost store wearing a Boost t-shirt and so on. Haha; Monique.
Bowling got cancelled; maybe next week?

21/01/08

2008-01-21T22:56:00.000+11:00

Yesterday;

Work from 10am to 3pm.
Meeting up with Connie, Monique, Josephine, Rocio and Naomi.
Karaoke at K-squared; Hannah came later on.
Running to the toilets constantly.
Weak as drinks and old school songs
Monique hogged the Smirn Off : O
Connie drank all my Baileys! : O
Very few pictures were taken; I think.
Josephine = mute.
Darling Harbour at night is love.

Today;

My body randomly woke up at 6am.
Gloria Jeans with Sean, Quan and Danny.
Picked up Michael.
Went to Earlwood for pizza; ate at Quan's.
Poker game lasted hours; came second last.. yet again; lawl.
No alcohol.. for once. Haha.
Music, TV, computer, table tennis; guys stripping? JKS.
Everyone looked tipsy.
Someone said something; can't help but keep thinking about it..
Came home at around 10:30pm and started eating chicken =_ =
Have an earlier curfew now ;_ ;

18/01/08

2008-01-18T15:39:00.000+11:00

Yesterday;

Went to Quan's house; there was Absolut but I didn't drink any : O
Went bowling with 3958620395709175 people; Tight as Thursday ftw.
Played 3 games; lane was so screwed for a while.
Came second (fluke!). Oh, and first by cheating : P
Can't remember the other game.
Drank more than expected of Sean's Heineken; oh, and stole his hotdog.
Paid him back with Jim Beam & Cola; nice shit.
Danny tried to hook up with someone.
Three Koreans singing like drunks in the car to Maccas; "I LOVE YOU OH THANK YOU!"
Maccas for dinner; lawl.
Smoked pepper.. Choked on pepper? Haha.

The day before yesterday;

Ice skating; I sucked at it, I stacked it, I got blisters; waste of money GRR!
Bowling; Connie, Yang, Franky, Sean, my lovely self.
Eating too much isn't good for you kiddos!
Retard at the station.
Had an emotional moment whilst walking home.
Walked around Canterbury.
Alone time is.. nice.

I'm trying not to go out for the rest of this week. It's possible since I've got work on the weekends. I want my paycheck! Oh, and fyi, I'm officially going to be a USYD student; yayayaya! : D

15/01/08

2008-01-15T23:15:00.000+11:00

Yesterday;

Hudson golf
Life threatening experience in Quan's van, lawl; always wear a seat belt kiddos.
I forgot to take my wallet so I was literally broke
Quan paid for my dinner : ]
Refilling water
Refilling side dishes heaps of times
Being dickheads
Shots of soju
Dinner at Hyang Won in Strathfield; waitress with attitude.
Visiting Chulsoon at work
Michael cheated on Sean with Quan; lawl.
Searching for a Gaytime

Today;

Watched 'P.S. I Love You' for the second time
Saw Angela at work; we embraced eachother; lawl.
Saw Brandy with two guys ; ) Haha.
Sean making weird ass comments during the movie
Guys cheering at the underwear ad with a naked woman with light sparks at her vital regions; lawl.
Left my phone at the cinemas; came back few hours later and a worker had picked it up. Love to Sean for wasting credit to help me find it; what a sweetheart : )
Darling Harbour
Lunch at Sushi Train; I saw my love. LAWL.

11/01/08

2008-01-11T11:06:00.000+11:00

The realisation that it has already been 11 days into the new year is quite astounding. It seriously feels like yesterday when I counted down the last ten seconds of the year 2007 and was watching the fireworks display on television with a few friends.

The fact that I haven't been spending much time with the high school girls is really disappointing but the idea of seeing them in a few days relieves me; in a heterosexual way, that is. : )

Yesterday, I went to Sean's house with Quan and Danny (I'm spending so much time with that group nowadays o_ o). Stayed there for a while listening to music, watching anime; just relaxed, someone kept drinking beers while I just drank Pepsi. Damn having to drive, damn! : (

Danny and Sean wanted to play basketball so we went to Tasker Park. Quan and I just spectated in the nice coooooool shade. I scared everyone with my reverse parking; lawl.

We went bowling at 7pm and waited an hour for a free lane; bowling on Thursday is love; only $6 per game. Their wedges are nice : ) Hehe. First game; came third. Second game; came fourth (yeah, out of four people; and what?! : $). Parking for 3-4 hours cost $10 which is bull! ;_ ;

Got home pretty early that night cause I had work today, or so I thought. I woke up at freaking 8am so my dad could drive me to work. But when I opened the door with my keys, I scared the store manager and she said I wasn't working today. +_ + So I had to call my dad who went from Canterbury to Dulwich Hill to Canterbury to Dulwich Hill then back to Canterbury; lawl. So if laser tag didn't get postponed, I still could've went : (

Later, I'm going with my mum to get my hair trimmed; and by 'trim', I mean the slightest change in hair length ever; impossible to tell the difference. That is, if the hairdressers listen to me and stop thinking that they know what I want.

Steven just told me he woke up from a dream about me; LAWL. He dreams of me LOLOL; okay no, sorry. Apparently, in the year 2013, I'll be skinnier. Haha.

Few days ago, I tried to learn Vietnamese out of curiosity and the only thing I remember how to say is 'bye'; which is.. "bye bye". =_ =

There you go, every single thing that happened yesterday; like.. every single thing. I keep listening to RnB nowadays. I just love it; it hits the spot and .. it's just lurrrrrve ; )

I'm really really reallyyyy content the past countless days. I've had a smile on my face for the whole time; something I've been craving for what.. years? Like Connie said in her entry (yeah, I stalk her and read everything she blogs about; lawl), when I see it's 11:11, I really can't pinpoint anything I want to wish for in particular. I'll be praying that someone else's wishes will come true.

2008 so far? Bliss.

<3

08/01/08

2008-01-08T10:28:00.000+11:00

Last night, Michael, Sean and I went to Hudson golf cause we were bored and stayed there for approximately an hour because it closed at 9pm. I scarred those two by wearing shorts. My sincere apologies. Lawl. My attempt at hitting the ball was rather pathetic but I blame it on the club; so freaking short. I can't tell the difference between a good or bad shot; every time I thought it was good, it turns out that it was bad and when I thought it was just average, it turns out that it was a nice shot o_ o

Afterwards, we went to Pumpkin and Sean was trying to figure out my password, but failed too many times which meant I had to enter the PUK code, which I didn't have with me. So for the rest of the night, my phone was unavailable. I used that against him the whole night : )

After our drinks and a few chats, Michael felt like going home so we dropped him off and went to Tasker Park where we had our D&Ms for a few hours. It's good to have fresh air once in a while and to have someone to talk to; someone who'll listen to you and give you advice; someone who understands.

Sometimes it's good to start afresh but you just can't help but miss the past. Those that sincerely care about you are the ones that will wait, no matter how long that is, for you to return. They're the ones who, no matter how tough they once were, shed tears for you when you have to leave. When people get angry at you, why do they refer to the past? The past should be forgotten; that's why there's a present and a future.

Why are people so stupid that they never learn anything until they make mistakes? And why do we need someone to fail before us, in order to realise how much pain it will cause, before we try and do better than them? Why is it so hard to open up to someone unless they open up to us first? You know when you adore someone when, even though they left you and caused you pain, you can't seem to dispose of their photos. You keep it with you just to see their face when you miss them.

Why is it that, even though we love our friends and family in particular, we can't help but act like complete dickheads to them at times? And unsurprisingly, once they're gone, it's then that we realise our wrongdoings, and want to treat them properly; the way they deserve to be treated. There's so many questions in relation to life that cannot be answered successfully. The day all these questions can be answered, is when we'll never bother seeking anymore, never bother trying and hence get nowhere. So I guess all these questions are left unanswered for a good, and somewhat beneficial reason.

Someone stole my calendar; it's missing. x]

04/01/08

2008-01-04T21:29:00.000+11:00

HAPPY BDAY SEAN : )

Yesterday, I was supposed to go to the open days for USYD and UNSW but I slept in and couldn't be bothered going. Instead, I went to a BBQ at Quan's house for Sean's 20th. Sydney, Michael, Allan, Danny and Lap were also there. The BBQ was supposed to start at 6 to 7pm but due to delays cause of people coming late from fishing, it started at 8. We all chipped in and bought Sean Johnnie Walker Gold Label; that tasted pretty fine might I add.

Photos were taken, attempts at stealing vodka, had dinner (mmmm), sat around talking, people got owned in table tennis (lol don't ask), played poker (I came 2nd last, GG. Sean donated : D), got a bit distracted by TV (lol random kinky lesbian chat ads), had a few drinks, constantly running to the toilet, wearing Quan's over sized thongs, wearing Quan's mum's tiny little slippers, D&M's on the veranda outside, more drinks, people singing random songs, people making promises & smoking all night long..

I got home at 4am, slept for 4 hours, got up and rushed to work with a hangover, GG.

01/01/08

2008-01-01T20:21:00.000+11:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR & BEST OF WISHES FOR THE YEAR 2008! : ]

And so the year 2008 has finally commenced. I've long awaited this as year 2007 was a horrible year especially due to the HSC examinations which probably stressed everyone out who had their own and/or their parents' expectations to meet. I also got my first job, met lots of great new people, grew closer to more people but as per usual; the opposite to a few as well, I've learnt that trying always pays off in the end and I've regretted loads of things too. There's always a positive that come with a negative; as they say, every cloud has a silver lining.

I'm just glad I made my parents proud throughout the past year and I'm relieved that I didn't let them down cause that would've been letting myself down as well. Just for those who STILL can't get over their UAIs, it's just a number which is only required to get into university. It's practically invalid in two years time, especially when you transfer.

I've been told to try and that was exactly what I did and the least you could do to repay me and my efforts would be to actually try and communicate back to me. You just left me hanging and feeling guilty for no reason in particular and I really don't appreciate your "I-couldn't-give-a-damn" attitude.

Well, on New Year's Eve, I was supposed to go out with David, Sammy, Steven, Julie and two or three other people to the city for fireworks and a few drinks but I thought I would feel awkward being surrounded by couples especially at midnight when everyone makes out with each other around me. And so, I went to Michael's house for a little BBQ and I was angry that I was surrounded by drinks but unable to drink due to the fact that I had to drive home the next morning : (

One minute you could hear fireworks, and the next, police sirens around the neighbourhood. We watched fireworks on television cause no one wanted to go to the crowded city and afterwards, we went outside again and kept talking. At around 3am, we went to karaoke in Campsie to visit a friend's friend who was working and played free pump lolol o_ o" We sat on the side of the road just talking and having a few laughs. Was good.

Some people are so polite; you can't help but enjoy talking with them : )

Perfect way to describe year 2007; bittersweet.

24/12/07

2007-12-24T18:53:00.000+11:00

I HATE THE FACT THAT I MISS OPPORTUNITIES AND LET EVERYTHING SLIP AWAY. THE THING I HATE MORE IS HAVING TO SEE EVERYTHING THAT'S MISSING IN MY LIFE BE FULL IN SOMEONE ELSE'S SO BEFORE YOU GO AHEAD AND MAKE ASSUMPTIONS OF WHY I'M FUCKING AGRO, WEIGH OUT THE POSSIBILITIES AND LOOK BEYOND THE SQUARE. SOMEONE TOLD ME TO JUST GO FOR IT BUT I JUST DON'T HAVE THE GUTS. I'M JUST NOT THE TYPE TO REVEAL EVERY SINGLE EMOTION, FEELING OR SITUATION I ENCOUNTER AND IF THAT BUGS YOU SO MUCH THEN GO PISS OFF AND HUMP A POLE FAGGOTS. I HAVE SO MANY OPTIONS BUT I'VE DECIDED TO CHOOSE THE MOST DIFFICULT AND I SIT HERE AND WONDER WHY I FEEL SO SHIT AND HOPELESS. MAYBE ALL THE SHIT ALL THE FUCKTARDS TOLD ME IS TRUE AFTER ALL. SIGH, WELL I'VE RELEASED MY INNER BITCH; JUST DEAL WITH IT. ALL GIRLS ARE HOES, I JUST FEEL FREE TO SAY MY CRAP.

CAN YOU STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME WANT THINGS I CAN'T HAVE EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO? EVERY TIME YOU DO OR SAY SOMETHING, YOU REMIND ME OF THE PAST AND I JUST CAN'T STAND IT. I RESPOND TO ALL YOUR ACTIONS BY GETTING ANGRY AND GIVING YOU ATTITUDE BUT JUST THINK OF HOW YOU JUST LEFT; SON OF A MANWHORE. YEAH, I'LL BITCH ABOUT YOU CONSTANTLY OVER AND OVER, JUST TO HOPE THAT MY BRAIN WILL GET THE MESSAGE THROUGH BUT BEING AS DIMWITTED WAS I AM, I CAN'T SEEM TO ACCEPT THE FACTS. I JUST WANT AND MISS EVERYTHING EVEN MORE. BLARGHHH.

SHE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO BE GRATEFUL ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE'S GOT AND I JUST NEED TO LEARN TO ACCEPT THAT I'M JUST NOT AS LUCKY AS SOME OTHER PEOPLE.

I just want what I had before. Is it too much to ask for? sigh..

21/12/07

2007-12-21T21:04:00.000+11:00

Today, I met David and Sammy at Fairfield station and caught a taxi to Steven's house where there was an attempt at lighting a fire for barbeque in which we succeeded after countless attempts of burning matches and newspaper. Poker never happened while I was there but GG my first time at Tekken and I won every time. Rapidly pressing random buttons ftw! Later on, Ray, George and Kehson came over as well. Someone started watching porn which was audible from the lounge room. LOL gg orgasmic sounds, gg o_o"

The vodka disappeared in no time which was disappointing since the only thing that remained was Hennessy which smelt bad and tasted too strong for my liking. I'm a noobie alcoholic nowadays. Whatever happened to getting wasted after several shots and then getting home past 4am in the good ol' days?

I'm tired. It's been a long day. Some oldie claimed that he fell in love at first sight with me and another one started a random conversation and said I was attractive; rofl (that's a first. It's usually the other way around o_o).

I'm afraid I made a wrong decision. I guess we all learn from our regrets, BLAHHH!

People keep forgetting that I'm 17. To them; I'm underage so I cannot go clubbing! TY TY BYE.

20/12/07

2007-12-20T12:02:00.001+11:00

Last night, Alvin called me out to Strathfield where we met Alex, David, Jeff and some girl (my bad; forgot her name) at the cafe opposite the station. Stayed there and talked about random things and then headed off to Alvin's place to play poker. Noob that I was, paired up with Alvin who taught me the basics and "we" won so GG. Learning 'Big 2' came in handy. Hehe. Alex kept stealing chips but eventually came last. LOL. Stayed there till 2am and then Alvin directed me to the station and walked back home.

UAI release today. It's impossible not to discuss it when it's such a "major" aspect of life and a number which is not just a number but something which determines the next decision you make in relation to university. BLEH! The highest UAI that I know someone's received is 95.90 so far so congrats to her. Won't reveal who it is but yes, congrats : ]

It's funny how my mum's happy about my UAI. She told me, to be honest, that she would be happy if I got a UAI of between 85 and 90. But now it's me; I'm the one who's disappointed in myself and the greedy person I am, can't help but want more and I regret what everyone else probably does; not studying harder earlier but you can't rewind back into time so for now, satisfaction and happiness are the first priorities.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MUMMY! : )

Didn't do anything to celebrate yet but we'll see what happens tonight.

19/12/07

2007-12-19T19:43:00.000+11:00

It's a pity that no one can be understanding at all times. There are certain moments where you just don't seem to weigh out all the possibilities. You comprehend peoples' actions the wrong way or just try to shield them away when all they were looking for was comfort and a positive attitude to shield away the negative. I confess I've acted in such a way plenty of times and although I try to avoid it in the future, it's just something that cannot be helped. Most of the time, my attitude controls me instead of vice versa.

I've, yet again, entered the confusion phase where I get confused by every single word or action, and I apprehend things the wrong way constantly. I feel like I'm being torn between two; having no idea of what to say and what to do. I feel insecure and afraid of making the wrong decision like I once did. I've learnt, or so I try, to stop dwelling on such minor things for lengthy periods of time as it does no good but it's just so hard and just not me.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder". It only applies for certain situations and circumstances. It depends on the person and their personality. There's so many factors that contribute to it that it makes the overall concept a load of shit.

Okay, every time I say this people think I'm lying or saying things to make myself look better and other people, inferior but really, that's besides the point. I hate not being able to control myself and to ignore temptations which has led me to the worst state I've ever been; and that's no exaggeration. I'm not dedicated as much as I used to be and yes, I was once dedicated, according to my standards; at least. I'm not punctual and I'm afraid I'm not reliable either; and I wrote all that bullcrap on my resume. GG employers, hire me fags : (

Well, that reminds me; I have yet another job interview tomorrow at Dulwich Hill. Ignoring the whole reputation thing and all, I just really hope I get hired for once.

Please don't ask me again..

17/12/07

2007-12-17T19:05:00.000+11:00

I'm blogging out of my own free will which is quite amazing; I know. Well, on Saturday, I met Clara, Angela and Jein at Parramatta. We were planning to watch a movie but ended up changing our minds cause I refused to watch some emporium thing and some chipmunk thing. Can't really remember what we did instead but time seemed to fly by pretty quickly. Oh by the way, if you want to be famous, just give birth at the age of 90 or so and then enter Guinness. Saw John but didn't say anything. Also saw David. Talked a bit. Oh, I saw someone get caught shoplifting. So young yet so BLEH. Just get a job in a few years; why not?

Afterwards, Clara and I went to Church and on our way there, I kept buying food and eating on the train. FATASS ftw. Is it true that nowadays it's normal for guys to wax their legs? True, it's more attractive but it makes their legs look too feminine. I feel awkward looking at them. Mass ended 10 minutes after we entered. No wonder some woman gave us dirties when we were walking in o_o

Yesterday, I met with Yang and Connie to watch 1408. Gosh, that movie's really confusing and annoying at times. Connie and I were holding each other's hands in fear of what was to happen next. That movie teaches stubborn bastards to just let things be and that some receptionists are just plain dickheads who don't care if you need an ambulance. & OMG YANG. YOUR FREAKING RANDOM SOUNDS YOU MADE WITH YOUR MOUTH WERE FRUSTRATING ME ;_; Oh, and I saw my beautiful chef at Sushi Train. Now I officially know he works til 4:30pm on Sundays. LOLOL.

Today, I watched 'Death at a Funeral' with Connie, Benji, Franky, Gavin, someone and someone? (I'm really bad with names) but Connie had to leave straight after. Well, we had lunch at Satsuki. Their sushi is really weird in colour and shifty little shits they are o_o Oh btw, I exchanged the flats I bought earlier and got caught lying LOLOL "I didn't wear them" .. "Well, I can tell by the heel that you've worn them for an hour or two" .. "I didn't wear them for an HOUR" .. "Okay, since it's Christmas I'll let you exchange them". LOL felt sorry for Benji who had to suffer the embarrassment with me. 7.5's too small for me yet 8's too big. Oh btw, we're two very special people : ]

Laser tag was fun yet tiring. I came 12th out of twelve people; GG. Not fair. It's impossible to come first when you have to try and beat 11 other guys. Can't remember the peoples' names. Saw Nicolas and Jared. Herro mini reunion despite not being remembered by Jared ;_; It's alright. Kept shooting him in the third round. REVENGE gahh. Benji & Franky played the horse racing game to release their sexual frustrations. LOLOL at someone's comment "Franky, that's the closest you'll ever get". Walked from Five Dock to Ashfield. Pretty close I must say.

Some people can be so nice : )

13/12/07

2007-12-12T17:46:00.000+11:00

Just for the sake of trying to make Connie stop HASSLING me, I'll write a boring yet existent entry. Well, I've been staying home for the majority of the time hence no published entries but thanks to CONNIE, I shall have to bombard this page with boring boring details of my so called event-less life.

Well, on Saturday I went to Lidcombe to get the car's bumper replaced and finally it looks like a normal car without all the deep scratches all over it. I met with Angela straight after and she accompanied me whilst I drove my dad back to Campsie so we could take the car out and drive randomly around. We went to Campsie and saw some people; one of whom was a "disgrace to the Korean race" due to the way he acted and the way he was clothed. Okay, I can't explain but it was amusing nonetheless.

Went to Church and then drove along the freeway to get to Strathfield. Went a bit close to the car in front and SOMEONE wouldn't stop screaming and complaining. NOT MY FAULT I CHECKED THE REAR MIRROR FOR TOO LONG. Get your own lift if you "want to live longer", gosh! Hehe : )

Should've went to Yeo Park and surprised whoever was there but I was exhausted and needed rest. I've been alcohol-free for weeks now, if not months. GG.

That's Saturday for you, CONNIE WONG! o_o

On Sunday, family friends came over for approximately 9 hours and I, the only person not working or PLAYING DOTA, had to accompany them for the whole day. My attempts to try and teach them how to play piano had failed as one of them was very stubborn and refused to try learning the ABCDEFGABC's. The day consisted of eating, watching TV, going online, attempts to chat but getting distracted by kids, getting hit in the head with a magnetic dart, banging my head against the door, playing tips in the backyard, feasting on more and more junk food, KFC, more food, attempts at putt golf; that's what you get when you're stuck with two primary school kids for half a day. I was so relieved when they left at 10:30.

Okay, I just got a phone call from one of the pharmacies I sent my resume to yesterday and screwed up my chances thanks to a stupid question to a simple question. Hmm, but then again; honesty's the best policy.

Last night, Hannah, Connie and I went to Palm Breeze for dinner. No left overs. LOL. Connie; learn how to eat like a man! : D

02/12/07

2007-12-02T12:21:00.000+11:00

Since the last time I blogged, there have been:

- more formals
- karaoke
- going to Rosa's house with Hannah & Monique
- battles with pimples
- outing to Broadway with Connie and Brandy and then dinner with Hannah inclusive
- confusions
- lost opportunities
- arguments
- Mono lunch at Burwood RSL Club (free food gg)
- orthodontist appointment
- church
- family photos taken
- computer & MSN retardation
- weight gain
- loss of social life
- failed attempts at trying to start playing piano again
- going to the chiropractor and finding out my whole body is literally retarded
- rejection by Darrell Lea and other stores
- birthdays
- Outing with Sally, Tracey, Kaye, Jenny and Manami 先生.

MEH. I'm like Connie. I suck at blogging LOL : )

18/11/07

2007-11-18T20:24:00.000+11:00

I finally bought my formal dress three days ago with Connie (Oh my gosh, we ate salad. Haha) at Liverpool and bought heels, a clutch bag and necklace at Burwood and Campsie (Both HOLES!) with my mum two or so days ago. That concluded my final formal shopping experience and thank goodness for that. Everyone makes such a big deal out of things of such low priority and consequently makes me feel nervous and anxious for no notable reason.

Well yeah, the Canterbury Boys' formal was yesterday. Nothing special happened; just sat/walked around, took photos, ate and started talking, people started stealing and dancing with other peoples' partners (Oh, and getting other peoples' numbers and email addresses. Haha). I lost count of the number of people who asked others "Do you want to make your partner jealous?" LOL. The high levels of confidence in some people were extremely hilarious. Good for them, I say.

Afterwards, I got attacked by water by a 'driver-by' (Oh, some people can be oh so sweet) and met up with Danny, Sidney and Sean at Strathfield. We went to Cador (Mmm, banana milkshakes) and then karaoke with a few beers (Was planning to go to the liqour store but it closed on us). I was so sleepy and dead tired but SOMEONE forced me to sing (never really happened). I noticed 'guy conversations' are based wholly upon the opposite sex (Not complaining. Girls are the same). Got driven home before 2:30 (So early, I know).

Oh, and in preparation for this event, I went to the hairdressers and she gave me the worst wavy hair ever. What's the point of showing me an example from the catalogue if you're going to do something completely different? So I wasted $25 and went to another place to get it fixed for $15. Oh, and whilst I was coming home with lunch for my family, some person smashed their car into my back bumper and then another car bumped into the car that bumped mine. We got out and exchanged details and the FREAKING ARABKUNT WITH BUSHY HAIRS ON HIS CHEST blamed everything on me. BITCH, just cause I have my P's and because I'm a younger driver doesn't mean I can't speak for myself. I argued back and he ended up saying "I don't know" and said nothing further. YEAH, that's right. STFU fugly terrorist! He tried to avoid giving me his license. DICKHEAD. No matter what the reason, if you hit my back, it's your FRIGGIN fault. Gosh, talk about STUPID F_CKED UP adults these days.

Well yeah, that was my day : )

14/11/07

2007-11-14T08:39:00.000+11:00

Yesterday, my dad had an appointment for endoscopy at Granville so I had to accompany him while he was gradually awaking from his anesthetic. He finally woke up at 12:29pm sharp (I was supposed to meet Connie, Benji and Franky at 10:30am. MY bad. Sometimes things just pop up, yeah?) and I had to somehow find my way to Strathfield from there which was rather nerve-racking since I had no clue where I was going but I somehow found my way, and I really hate driving on the highway. It's not cause I'm scared; I guess it's more of a large annoyance. I hate when cars overtake me; it makes me want to chase after them and throw pebbles at their cars.

I finally got to the movies before the movie actually finished; well approximately 20 to 30 minutes before the movie ended to be specific, but still paid and went in. (Thank goodness for cheap ass Tuesday). All the people who said "Oh nah, it sucks. Don't watch it. It was such a big disappointment" can go hump a pole cause I liked it (Well, the 30 or so minutes I watched). Afterwards, we went to some Japanese restaurant and just talked and bagged Franky out. Haha (Oh, and Connie told Franky he was ugly GG!).

Afterwards, we just bummed at some place I prefer not to mention due to the fact that it's a hole where every machine breaks down at least 3 times per month. Wanted ice-cream but Connie, that bloody anno, refused to go (No junk food for 4 days; gg to me). Afterwards we just went home. Anything interesting happen? Not that I can remember. (Oh by the way Connie, you were the only non-St. Vincent's-graduate. Alright, you probably already realised. Love ya!)

When I arrived at Campsie, I was bored so called Michael out (I'm going to make him love Taro Milk Tea as much as i do : D). Just talked. Then time went passed and nothing spectacular happened. We walked to Canterbury so I could get the car so we could go to some random beach with Monique and Hannah (Rosa, that turd, dogged us). Thank goodness we finally had someone who could drive and knew pretty much all the directions. The way there and way back was deafening with Monique as DJ (Oh by the way, it's not cause of crap music. I actually liked it. Oh, and she dissed my Asian music LOL turd!).

Pants got soaked. We had to dry off some how; I prefer not to mention since it sends a chill up my spine seeing what Hannah did with my towel LOL foul. We didn't stay there for as long as I would have imagined but that was good for me I guess since my mum was giving me lectures on the phone (Oh by the way, I told her I went to Fivedock, not Cronulla. She would have chucked a spasm thinking about previous riots. OH Asian parents, what can you do?). I got home before 12 which I thought impossible.

And today (Yes, I started a sentence with 'And'. For all you English freaks who will teach me that it's wrong, I don't care. Go hump a pole too), I'm planning to go formal shopping with Connie (FFS Finally. There's like only 3 day to shop) but so far.. she's ignoring my message? (Probably still sleeping) We'll see how I go and hopefully I end up with at least 1 dress : )

OH and the day before yesterday; I went shopping with Jein and Angela (Clara dogged us cause she was sick) but ended up with nothing except for a single shirt. SHAME. I wasted so much money on transport. FUCKFUCKFUCK the person at Parramatta ripped me off. Sif pay $4.60 to go to the City ;_; MEH.

Oh by the way, (belated)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLARA
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSEPHINE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEOFF
: ]

Hate being so indecisive and self-conscious..

Sorry for the long AND boring entry cause nothing fascinating has happened since the HSC ended. Come on 95+ UAI. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE. OR above 98.4 HAHA I joke : (

09/11/07

2007-11-09T11:13:00.000+11:00

I just realised how close it is to New Years Day and I cannot be so sure whether I'm proud about my performance in general within the past several months. I'm not sure if I made my loved ones proud or if I let them down and embarrassed them. Either way, lost time cannot be retrieved so I guess I just have to learn to get used to things and accept things the way they are.

I just came to the realisation that sometimes it's better to leave things the way they are instead of trying to take and use them to my advantage. I like the way things are; telling things that are on our minds and comforting each other when needed. It's better than ending something that was good by trying to cross over barriers to reach the overrated limitations. YAHHHHHHH.

Well, last night's outing with some of the girls and other girls was pretty alright in relation to my standards although the amount of food surprised us all with the never ending course of garlic bread for starters and then salads and pizzas that continually filled our tables. Oh, and then of course, there was the gelato which made Connie and I feel extremely fat.

Since the exams have finished, I thought I would be going out every single day like I had warned my mum but it hasn't really been going to plan. I really really need to start going formal shopping because I know I always end up wearing some ugly dress I'm ashamed about the next day when I look at all my photos. Everyone's so organised and I feel.. unorganised?

BOREDDDDDD..

26/10/07

2007-10-26T20:14:00.000+10:00

Today was different than yesterday and will probably be different to tomorrow; in a good or bad way, I'm not so sure yet. I smiled and laughed today. The majority of the happiness you took away from me; I felt like I gained half of it back. However, thanks to you, I can't help but still feel insecure and volatile, and wonder if this new feeling or experience will end as fast as it did before. If you're intentions were to leave a mark within me you certainly did meet your expectations; you succeeded. It rained today and couldn't help but think of the past, despite how 'gay' that might sound; you made me like this. You make me regret slipping and I really have learned the hard way to keep my emotions under control. But this time, things feel different; hardly as selfish as you are; more understanding and caring, as well as responsible and open. If only my memories of you could be replaced with someone else.

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

I'm sick of your 'fakeness' and your lies; pretending that there was something to look forward to. I should have known you just built a wall so you could break the whole thing down, purely for your own entertainment. Selfish bastard! You used to only say what you wanted to, and when I finally got the chance to say a word, you wouldn't take me seriously or you wouldn't listen or bother anyway.

You're such a hypocrite! and I really do wish I had the confidence to say this to your face, but despite all the discourteous things you've done or said, I still want you by my side so when I finally succeed, I can SHOVE IT in your face. LOL. Who cares if you're older; you should be ashamed since you have a smaller amount of wisdom than those younger than you. Age doesn't matter, especially if it's ONE year; maybe not even!

Maybe I do deserve a whole lot better.

Oh karma, please work.

& Happy EIGHTEENTH in advanced Connie! I doubt I'll post on the day.
ILY emo jackie; my other half. LOL : )
<3>

10/10/07

2007-10-10T18:15:00.000+10:00

I hate how people can be so irritating; some people have "a disposition to think a little too well of" themselves; they're egotistical. I won't even bother anymore and if you have the slightest thought to try what I did than forget it. I'm literally sick and tired of you and your lack of priorities. They won't even get you far. You know it; you've admitted it. Then why would you push away the things that are really important to you in an order to attempt something which is simply impossible? These are "the disadvantages which [threaten] alloy to [your] many enjoyments". Oh, and call me outspoken and rude but Shakespeare subtly implies that one should "speak what [they] feel not what [they] ought to say" so there; i said it! LOLOL. YOU ANNOY ME! Go play in traffic! Hump a pole.

I randomly opened up a page in 'Emma' and found these words. It's fate, I just opened to a random page and read random lines and this is how it went: "Many a time has she said so; and yet I am no advocate for entire seclusion. I think, on the contrary, when people shut themselves up entirely from society, it is a very bad thing; and that it is much more advisable to mix in the world in a proper degree, without living in it either too much or too little". For all those lazy vaginas who tax quotes from every single website they can find to incorporate into their essays, steal it. Good luck finding textual evidence to support your stupid arguments.

I'm so frustrated; having mood swings; growing into a monster with disease all over my face.

Oh, and by the way, I also found this on the page before the page I found the other quote on. If I confused you, which I pretty much guarantee, read again. Or just forget it and read on. "People who [have] extensive grounds themselves [care] very little for the extensive grounds of any body else". 'Emma' was written for selfish people to snap back into reality; no-one's perfect, including their oh-so-beautiful selves. GRRRRR!

Oh by the way. I went to the library today and randomly spoke a few words with someone. He had a cute smile. Okay, BYE BYE.

07/10/07

2007-09-07T18:09:00.000+10:00

It's upsetting knowing that you have to say goodbye to those you've grown so close two during the past few weeks or months. I'll miss all of those lovely lovely people. They can make anyone smile and they can make anyone feel welcome. You can talk to them about anything if you really wanted to and they wouldn't judge you under any circumstances. They're really comfortable and special people.

What are you supposed to feel when you know the last day you might ever see someone is just around the corner? Are you supposed to feel happy that you've seen them after a long period of not being able to? Or should you be disappointed that that opportunity which feels like fate is about to cease within a matter of days? Maybe I should have spoken up a little more. Maybe I should have opened up to show what sort of person I really am. Maybe I should have been different in the past. Maybe I should have had the guts to speak up properly and said all the things I was thinking inside.

It felt like a replay of year 5 except we're seven years older and we actually spoke. One day, hopefully, we'll run into each other and greet each other with big fat cheesy grins.

I watched the last episode of 'Highkick' and almost cried once again. I'm glad everything ended happily, and now that's what I hope to expect in life; happiness, content, success.

I think I'm getting smarter without studies. Yeah yeah, think whatever you wish: "She probably studies her ass off" but I didn't and I improved and shocked myself. I still suck at English. I love Jap : ) Good luck for those who have HSC exams soon. I do know Homebush Boys have their Japanese Speaking exams in a matter of days. And mine's approaching quickly. How on earth are you supposed to study for them without having the need to talk to yourself out loud like a spastic? ;_;

I'm sorry. For what? You might find out sooner or later.

31/08/07

2007-08-31T16:36:00.000+10:00

Honesty is the best policy and it's something I find extremely hard to avoid at times. Call me outspoken and rude but now I'll actually try to speak my mind whenever I can, which is not as easy to do, as it is to say. I guess sometimes the past does get the better of the present and maybe even the future, but taking risks and making decisions (although you're not perfectly sure what it'll lead to) is a major, if not the only, step one can take towards knowledge and excellence. Everyone has a moment in life where they tumble and find it hard to stand back up again, but we mostly, if not always, find the way to free ourselves from being "oh-so-screwed-up".

If one despises you for telling the truth and nothing but what you feel, let them be; as it is true that one should rather be hated for who they are, than loved for what they're not. Short quotations such as those can always change they way you think and the ones who say or make these short sequences of words can be truly inspirational and helpful towards others. Why do some people insist on asking questions which are rather straightforward? Some questions they know the answer to?

If one finds that the only possible way to avoid problems is to physically run away or hide from them, it places oneself in the category of 'defeat'. You're not succeeding in any way possible by running away and the only way to conquer barriers is to face them, no matter how difficult it may seem. I wish I'd think about that sometimes.

If something is extremely hard to cope with, maybe it was supposed to be that way. If one is forced away from someone, maybe the two individuals were never supposed to meet in the first place. If one continuously walks on a road towards failure and misery, maybe they were initially bound to be upset and in 'a mess'. There is the saying that one should never lose hope but sometimes you really sit down to ponder and to try and really think about whether it's true or just a load of rubbish.

27/08/07

2007-08-27T17:57:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure if this will ever change in the not-so-far future but right now but I really can't seem to understand how you find it hard or whether you even consider that certain matters are things you should not be boasting or proud about. I wonder if you don't take recognition of your own reputation or if you're just clueless about the fact that some things are better left unrevealed. I'm sorry but this is the one thing I'll never be able to congratulate you about, no matter how times you try and "impress" others, it's never going to work for me. I really dislike the fact that you have placed me in an awkward and really worrying position. Although this may make me sound extremely over-exaggerating, I'm worried for your well-being and I'm far from sure about your motivations and what you're leading to or where you're hoping to find yourself in a few years or even months. Just please make decisions which you will not regret in the future and don't forget to consider whether something will affect how people may view you or the amount of respect they may have towards you. I hate not being able to tell you exactly what's in my mind and that's simply because I don't want to hurt you. I'm just hoping and wishing that you'll never do anything that will hurt yourself or your loved ones. However, if anything does happen to turn into catastrophe, I'll always be here to comfort you.

Connie; thanks for everything you've put up with, thank you for always listening to my hopeless rants, miniature teenage heartbreak stories, b_tchings, and possibly everything else a emotional teenage girl tells her friends. You're loud screams of "HELLO MRS. KIM!" always brighten up my mum's day and your very cute, cute ways always brighten up mine as well. You're the one I can truly depend on when times get really hard and you're always there; willing to comfort me or offer me a hug whenever I need one. Thanks love. ILY COON : )

*Turns into a 'Connie' with random emotional & thankful "moments"*

25/08/07

2007-08-25T13:37:00.000+10:00

I've never believed in karma so much throughout my whole life but yes, it's quite a frightening experience. However, i still haven't learnt my lesson? I've been repeatedly hurting myself unintentionally and I keep dropping things in public places, I constantly make bad decisions for stupid STUPID reasons and I get myself into trouble, I keep embarrassing myself and I always forget to do things. Some of these things always had occurred previously but let's just blame them on karma. The feeling of guilt and wondering how someone else unknown may feel about your actions and final decisions is quite saddening really. I've never fallen into a trap or got stuck in trouble and literally, physically ran away. But this time I pity myself for making such stupid conclusions and no, I admit, blaming your decisions on someone else's influence is not a very good excuse. I just hope that whatever happens in response to my awful choice of actions, only happens to me; not my family, not my friends.. not my loved ones; just to me. I've suffered both emotionally and physically before so I'm pretty much used to it. I just couldn't even think about bearing the pain I would be in for realising that I was the reason such precious people were in misery.

Can I be sure about how I feel towards certain things, people or ideas? I've lost confidence in thinking independently simply for the reason that my stupid self seems to keep on making silly mistakes and I always seem to misinterpret everything, which subsequently leads to consequences I'd rather not have to deal with. But right now, I've found a little shimmer of happiness and I guess I can categorise myself as content. I've improved in studies which have made my parents feel over the moon and they finally agreed to let me go on a road trip after school if I do well in the HSC exams as well. LOL. It all depends on my brain and intelligence now but how come I still lack motivation? I've been studying the amount I probably did in Year 7; barely anything. I hate thinking: "I'll do it tomorrow" and thinking the day after: "Farout, I let myself down again". But screw that! I'm relaxing : ) .. until when? I'm.. not so sure.

19/08/07

2007-08-19T16:54:00.001+10:00

Do you know that feeling when you want to screw up your life just to see how people will react? Do you ever get the feeling of wanting to suffer and turn into a bigger mess than ever before just to show someone what their actions have done to you? MWAHAHA. I'm over that : ) I'm in happy mode and I'm loving it. I love my girls who can always cheer me up and OMG Connie, you've got me speaking all emotionally now.

Well yes, I've been in a quite care-free little world of mine with no worries for about four days. Haha. I've been doing nothing but chatting, watching TV, listening to music and doing last minute homework for tutor on the weekends which lasts about 10 minutes. So, my brain has been losing intelligence. But I'm happy I'm relaxing for once in a while. Pity I have no motivation to start studying again.

If a happiness comes across your path, it's not real happiness if you can possibly hide it. Contentment and bliss is something one cannot conceal; it makes you feel, literally, on top of the world.

08/08/07

2007-08-08T20:11:00.000+10:00

HAPPY EIGHTEENTH NOELEENE! ily darling. : )

After thinking I was capable of forgetting about everything and just focusing on what was important, I go online and am told something I would be better off not knowing. Yeah, I might be a 'stereotypical teenage girl' but it's frustrating, as well as quite upsetting knowing how selfish and extremely insincere one can be from time to time. Why would you make someone think that there was something in the first place when you're just going to do the same thing with everyone else? Yes, I may seem like I'm nagging on about the same thing over and over again but it's something I just can't understand and no-one is capable for providing a proper explanation for.

It's hard when you're told quite something rather randomly and bluntly; something you'd rather not hear. And the fact that you must pretend to be your cheery self isn't the best situation one could possibly encounter. Some people who always seem to get their ways do not necessarily understand how hard it really is to hide how one is feeling just for the sake of keeping the truth from someone, let alone acting like you're feeling the complete opposite to what you really are. Happy and glad are the last things I'm feeling. And no, I'm not happy for you nor do I wish you well, although that is what I should be doing. I still somewhat pity you for your actions and the things you've said.

The feeling of a slight awkwardness and being uncomfortable is rather disappointing considering the actual reasons behind it all but I'll learn to live with everything since it's not the first time I've felt miserable to such an extent regarding similar matters. There's plenty of better things to worry about or be proud and content about, in fact. The realisation that my life keeps seeming to replay certain segments within it over and over again is quite bothering. I know I'll forget things, but then I'll fall again just like I did several months back. I'll fall into a 'phase' where I just can't be bothered with anything anymore and I couldn't bare thinking about the past as it would reopen wounds that have just recently healed.

I hate the feeling that everything, as well as everyone, has turned their back to me when I need it/them the most; more than ever before. I sometimes look outside my window, hoping to see what I've wished for for a while, but I'm never enlightened by what I can observe. The experience of crying so much your whole body aches isn't a very pleasant feeling. Neither is the feeling be being disheartened, and having no place to go when you're cold, both emotionally and physically.

I'm feeling dead tired after three exams, two of which I have no hope for. However, there are still four 'important' ones remaining, or so they seem to me. It's quite ironic seeing that I still have no motivation whatsoever and that nothing has the ability or power to change that, and for that, no, I do not sympathise for myself; but I rather pity myself.

I feel dead ..

28/07/07

2007-07-28T18:50:00.000+10:00

Right now things just seem like a blur to me. Things cannot be categorised under the titles of perfect or horrible. Everything's so average and I really can't bring the optimistic side out of me to see the positive side to this. I know what I truly want right now but I'm not sure if I really need it. I have high expectations but I don't know if I can reach them. I know other people are having a ball with other friends but I'm stuck at home thinking about the same things over and over again. Every day's routine seems like a repetition. Yesterday was the repetition of the day before, today's the repetition of yesterday, and tomorrow will surely be a repetition of today.

I love having certain people part of my life whom I can speak to, and those who turn to me when they need a little comfort although I'm quite hopeless and useless. I like the fact that s/he can make me smile and that I can talk to him/her about anything without the need of feeling uncomfortable. I like how I don't have to worry that s/he will judge me with what I say, what I look like, how I dress or what I find interesting or amusing. S/he can do pretty much anything and I can forget about it easily no matter how hurtful it may be. S/he's special.

People who try to stick their noses into my problems or my life are annoying. Just by doing so, doesn't necessarily mean that you'll get to know everything about who I am or how I feel about various things. No-one can be understood completely. No-one can be adored by every other living being in the world. Acceptance is a part of life.

What happens when no matter how hard you try, things never seem to go your way? And the more you try, everything just seems to get worse. What happens when you're sitting alone in your room crying and you want someone next to you, but although they're near, they can't be there for you? I hate when I'm the little miserable girl when the rest of the world is perfectly happy.

21/07/07

2007-07-21T18:23:00.000+10:00

It's annoying when you don't know the reason behind why things happen and even when you directly ask others for the answer you seek, they're unable to tell you. Now it's become quite apparent how stupid one may become just for silly things. It's quite strange how certain circumstances can enable you to let things slip, or how, depending on the person, you can just simply forget about things and remember not to take things too seriously. People can treat you as if you're literally nothing, but at the end of the day, once they're gone you feel like there's something missing; something that should be with you.

I think I'm falling into that whole phase from the past; something that I thought was over and done with; something that I thought I would never have to experience again. I hate being the foolish one; the one who always falls into little traps of others'. Sometimes I wish the things you said were real. I sometimes wish you'd do the things you say you're willing to do but never end up doing. I want others to be able to understand how I'm feeling towards certain issues but that's just impossible. I hate having to express my thoughts in words sometimes when they only seem to make sense inside my mind.

Crisis. Melancholy. Disaster. How can I describe what I feel about certain things? Some things you dread ever happening again seem to come knocking at your door more often than you would like them to. Thank goodness time is capable of healing everything. I don't know what else could solve half the problems one faces from time to time.

With the luck I have, I don't understand why I'm so surprised that nothing ever goes my way. When you think you won't come cross something, it's happens on a more regular basis, it's so frustrating. It always seems to happen when you least suspect it. I hate how people are somewhat 'stuck' in such a tight community. I don't like how I'm a part of it too. I dislike how everyone seems to 'know' everyone else. I don't know. I feel weird, insecure, awkward; uncomfortable.

Why do people say things when they know it'll make others curious?

Why do people ask questions when all you want them to do is listen?

10/07/07

2007-07-10T20:53:00.000+10:00

Thanks for allowing me to realise that everything that I had once thought was important to me was all pretend and meant absolutely nothing at all, literally. I have better things to worry about and you were just a distraction and now since that's gone, I can finally concentrate on things which are actually REAL and somewhat beneficial. Don't complain about things hoping for sympathy when you know you'll just take it and leave to nag to someone else for the same reason. You're simply placing pity on yourself without being aware of it. Foolish. There's just several aspects you lack- loyalty, respect, gratitude and honesty. Forget everything I had hoped of before because now I don't wish for anything like it. I hope you make the same mistake over and over, and eventually learn from your foolish, pathetic ways and actions. Go mess up your life a little more and see if I care. If I'm feeling real nice, I might contemplate about whether I should try and shed a single tear for you. Gosh, I wasted yet another part of my time on stupid things. Be gone! *claws come out* Don't EVER mess with me again.

Okay, moving onto a slightly 'lighter' note; my holidays have consisted of tutors and tutors alone. And I thought things couldn't get worse than last holidays:

June 30- Monique's seventeenth; stayed completely sober, just for the sake of keeping my license.
July 1- Japanese class @ Kangmin
July 2- Matrix d-1; Saw people. Met new people.
July 3- Matrix d-2
July 4- Matrix d-3
July 5- Matrix d-4
July 6- Matrix d-5; Realised a student was in my primary Korean school : ) & Got accused of raping that student in class ;_;
July 7- Stuck at home, doing nothing.
July 8- Japanese class @ Kangmin
July 9- Library. Coincidentally saw Nelson and Connie : ]
July 10- Library. Saw Connie, Nelson, Desmond and Divine. Oh, what a coincidence. & 2U maths @ Mono
July 11- Matrix Additional Assistance (Lesson 1)
July 12- Biology @ Mono
July 13- Matrix Additional Assistance (Lesson 2), Japanese @ Kangmin, & orthodontist appointment
July 14- Staying at home.
July 15- Japanese @ Kangmin

And yes, that will end my oh so memorable holidays. Aren't you just green with envy? yay. T- T

03/07/07

2007-07-03T11:19:00.000+10:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SALLY : )

Why is it that you say something one day but when an opportunity has come, you strike it like nothing has happened previously and suddenly all your worries disappear and you're the happy little kid you were before? I guess you can blame all your decisions on things or people whom you know can't speak up and express their opinions but eventually you'll realise how people will see you with a smaller amount of respect and a smaller amount of loyalty and dedication. Fine, that's what you perceive as happiness or contentment, and I can't change the way you feel about things but it's better to learn sooner, than later, that the footpath you've chosen to walk on was the wrong one to begin with.

Why can't some cliche or overrated statements ever hold more truth than it does falsity? They just steer you away from reality and give you a fake positive perception of the world without being aware of the future consequences. Don't you ever wish there were alternatives in your life and that some people would stop judging you for things other than who you really are?

The lack of dedication and the shortness of my concentration span is becoming incresingly worrisome lately. I can't keep my mind of things and as I've been told quite often in the past, I worry about things too much, take things into too much consideration and I over-exaggerate on things I should be quite careless about. The amount of nightmares and dreams you'd rather not have, keep bothering me. Some are stupid but others just get to the point where you, without knowing, convince yourself that they will happen in real-life.

10/06/07

2007-06-10T15:59:00.001+10:00

Don't you sometimes, quite often even, just wish that you could see every move you make to really capture the stupid essence of it? People that try to sound like someone else, just to feel that little additional satisfaction is gradually beginning to bother me and fine, we all have our moments but it's just so irritating. And making moves that aren't like yourself? It's like disguising yourself without even knowing what you're making yourself go through. Soon enough, I'm sure you'll regret it. It just takes time. And so we'll have to wait. You try to head towards accomplishment but before you know it you're knocking on the door of failure.

I despise when people don't even think about considering what one says. If someone tries to make things better for you, you could at least pretend like you cared. Overused words and actions really have lost complete meaning and no, I haven't fallen for it since I've realised. No more 'making me a fool' anymore. You've had your fun, watched me fall for things but now you can see what really happens to people when you do that. I really want you to see me suffer; to see me unhappy just so you know what you've gotten me into, as well as yourself. Why did you try and make everything feel so right and perfect when you're going to turn around and refer to it as something that shouldn't have happened later on? Confusing people is one thing and hurting them is another. I began to see the reasons why the past happenings have occurred and I will try to steer away from such temptations but as always, I have a feeling I'll just go through hell over and over again.

Look at me. Watch me stop caring about every little thing. You point out every little thing that you refer to as discontent. I'm not here to be the picture perfect person you've dreamed of. I refuse to do everything for the well-being of yours and forget about mine. I'm going to put myself before you now cause you make me feel worse than I thought previously and I don't need those thoughts constantly roaming around in my mind. People around me try to make me feel secure and feel positive about everything but you just push them out of the way. It's funny what I once tried to do for you. Did things I had given up on. Tried to do things that weren't me. Now I'm going to do the complete opposite just so that you don't get the feeling of achievement. Screw that. No-one's worth anything when they're rude, self-centered and selfish. Forget it. I'll forget you ever existed.

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
Cause all I want to be is just free of you
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Go now

02/06/07

2007-06-02T18:29:00.000+10:00

Okay. Yesterday, I came back from camp and was awfully tired; too tired to write about what happened in fact so I'll write a bit about what happened even though all the girls went there. The CYS team really IS a group of truly inspirational people who know what they're talking about; very open and sincere- with a sense of willingness and kindness hard to find in other people. The bus trip to Stanwell Tops Conference Centre at Wollongong took approximately an hour and a half and it was made quite bearable due to lovely friends and 'A Cinderella Story' which brought tears to my eyes. When we arrived there, I skipped morning tea because it didn't look so appetising. We, as usual, got split into small groups and of course, with the luck I have, I got at least one of my closest girls in my group (Note the sarcasm). Time actually flew past quite quickly and I have no memory of what happened between then and lunch time but of course, the menu comes to mind. Pizza and salad. Not the most ideal lunch but decent. Afterwards, we had more activities, more talks, movie clips, etc. Dinner consisted of steak, potatoes, 'meatballs', gravy and so on. Dessert included chocolate cake with custard, mousse or fruit jelly. Tasted alright once again. Afterwards, there were activities. Some leaders stood up and talked about their past and I realised my situation which I thought was unbearable was practically nothing when compared to these people. They were emotionally strong and very admirable. You couldn't help but shed a tear and sympathise for these innocent souls that have been through so much hardship and heart-wrenching moments. We later received the letters we wrote to ourselves at the year ten retreat and I couldn't help but shed more and more tears at the feeling of being let down by myself. Not being able to meet my expectations; but doing the complete opposite. Things I had hoped to forget have been forgotten although it still brings back a little pain and remnants of the 'silly' past. I've also realised what a 'true friend' is although, I admit, it sounds pretty damn 'gay'- It's when you go through hell and want them to just vanish or disappear one day, but when time passes, no matter how long it is, you can't help but care for them once again another day. Everything's changed yet everything's still the same. You still see the positive and want the best for them. Moving on, after everything had been completed for the night, the girls went to their cabins, had showers and had talks about 'this and that'. When you can show your worst infront of certain people, and they never contemplate about judging you, those people are the ones you deeply cherish even without knowing or having the need to think about it. I've also realised how negative it is to be materialistic. What's the point of looking great or superb on the outside when you're shallow and empty on the inside? It's useless but it's funny how we still try to look somewhat decent. Josephine, Angela, Monique, Noeleene, Hannah, Monique, Connie, Ashley and I were in one cabin until Ms. Percy came in chased five girls out. The night consisted on eating 'junk food' constantly and feeding Connie so she wouldn't fall asleep. And Monique throwing M&M's at her face for the same purpose. It also included prank calls, asking for sugar, talks, laughs and what not. Damn hopeless reception, die! We slept at 2 and woke up one by one from times ranging from 7:05 to 7:40 and headed off for breakfast at the dining hall- toast, scrambled eggs, baked beans, spaghetti, bacon and sausages, etc. Best meal cause I was starving from the night before. Afterwards, there were more conversations in our small groups and it's good to socialise with those you've never talked with much before. Before we knew it, it was time to go back to school so we watch the ending of 'A Cinderella Story'. It made me watery yet again. That movie's so "teenager-y" but you've gotta love it. Mr Whittaker: "It's a very good movie". Oh, and Monique finally told him that he looked like Jude Law. LOL : ]

21/05/07

2007-05-21T21:18:00.000+10:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASMINE : )

Okay, I don't know why I'm so surprised when I knew I shouldn't have had my hopes up to begin with. Now that's led to this feeling of you letting me down, when really, it's me who let myself down. Sometimes I wonder why I can't get everything to go my way but then again my selfishness partially proves why bad karma always seems to be able to creep it's way into my situation. I knew it would be good while it lasted. I also knew it wouldn't last so long. Everytime I imagine it, I can't seem to find the reason why. Why I keep imagining that someone leaves me; that someone forgets about me for someone else; that someone will cheat on me in the future. Selfish, insecure and stupid? Well, maybe that's just what I am afterall. I'm human and that means I'm not always perfect.

Different things have different meanings to different people but I can't seem to accept it. I want to know what they've done before; to make you never want to let go. What have they done to leave their mark in you? What have they done to make you want it even though it has hurt you so much and let you down? Would I be able to match up to it? Or will the future never be as good as the past ever was? Everytime you left remnants of your past behind for everyone else's eyes to feast on, I admit, I was silly and overexaggerated the situation. But that may as well be another sign of insecurity.

Why do I keep picturing that the one thing that made me cry will repeat itself in the not-so-far future? Then, I had someone to lean on, hold it in and make me stronger, but I keep seeing images that one day, it'll only be me; myself; I'll have to stand up and assert my feelings alone.

20/05/07 - Don't ask.

2007-05-20T13:08:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I wish the memories would fade away and stop making me think back and get upset. It's a bit amusing sometimes when I think why I feel a certain way. It's so immature and stupid but it's something I have no control over. Maybe it's because I envy it or because I'm unaware about what it's done with what I want. The words "You'll look back and laugh at it" don't help anymore, nor do they cheer me up or help me forget about the present. I hate that it lasts so long. I'm worried it'll turn to one of those other things of the past. I want it to be over but everytime I see the smallest things, they make me smile.

I have the smallest amount of hope and a larger amount of pity and disappointment. Why would you do something and pretend like you care? Half the time you don't understand that it's about you. You might laugh and make fun of me but I just want to scream and tell you it's you. No, I'm not having stupid problems with friends. It's you and only you. Your past actions have affected me like this and if that was your aim or goal, be happy. You've achieved it. I just don't understand. Why would you do that when you have something else on your mind? You're so selfish so I don't even know why I bother. No similarities. A million differences. Nothing fits. It should be a thing of the past by now. Yeah, laugh at me yet again, why don't you?

It's a shame that you don't mean the things you say or the things you imply. I'll take it as a thing of the past now. So return to your past, just like you always wanted. Remember whenever you suffer or feel cut or broken, I felt the same way once.

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

05/05/07

2007-05-05T18:35:00.000+10:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN : )

I had 'spare time' on my hands and I was actually too lazy to do any work so I decided to go onto some online shopping websites and fell in love with the majority of the clothes that were displayed. I want to go to Japan or Korea one day and spend as much money as I possibly can on clothes. The clothing items in Australia are so limited and things can tend to be a bit over my price range. The amount of styles and colours and sizes of cardigans, dresses, t-shirts and shoes also left me amazed. The shocking 90 cents that currently remain in my wallet is not of any use right now.

Four more weeks left until the first day of our very very short year twelve camp commences and it's something I'm really looking forward to, yet partially dreading. We'll be receiving our letters that we wrote in year seven and I'm just wondering how much my thoughts, writing and life has changed. Pretty damn much, I'm assuming. The tears that will be shed over past horrible memories such as stupid boy problems, exams, heartbreaks, betrayal and evil revenge, misunderstandings, stress and frustrations will be something that will be better off not seeing. The same applies to crying for 'little' reasons like not wanting to leave school and graduate, not wanting to separate from the closest friends of your life, missing gossiping during lunch breaks, having lovely girls greeting you each morning with smiles, waves and hugs, not wanting to leave the safe atmosphere you got used to ever since year seven. Although I admit it sounds pretty stupid or lame, it's something I know will happen for sure, cause F_CK, I'll miss the girls and their asian butts so much.

It's a pity how things have turned back into an awkward situation once again and I'm surprised that I'm not the only one with that thought for once. I don't know what on Earth's happening or if I did something wrong but it'll be a matter of no time before things get back on track, I'm sure. It's one of those countless small things that are a part of being a highschool student. I need motivation and I somehow need to get out of this bad habit where the smallest of things can distract me and push me off track.

I permanently straightened my hair on Friday after school at Strathfield and it turned out better than all the other three times I've tried. But then again, they made alterations which should not have been made. They did one thing good yet did two other things in addition which literally screwed up, making the decent thing look very unpleasant. Well, what's done is done.

28/04/07

2007-04-28T15:05:00.000+10:00

When something finally arrives; something that you've been waiting for for quite some time, sometimes you just don't think about the things you say and they just slip out of your mouth, into other peoples' ears and then before you know it, you've said something cruel, selfish and hurtful. Well, I guess it's a bit too late to sit down and keep bragging on about things that are things of the past. There's absolutely nothing that can change what's happened already and you can't go back in time so you might as well forget everything and move on like everyone eventually learns to do. Isn't it quite frustrating when although you keep hinting a certain thing to someone; something you really wish they'd do, they never comprehend any of it? It sometimes gets you wondering whether they do it deliberately to annoy you or keep you waiting, or if they really don't respond because they're unaware of the things you want. I suppose you really can't get everything you wish for but then again, sometimes you really wish you could; those little things that everyone deserves. It's also come to thought of how certain little things part of life can actually change how one is treated, or the way it may possibly change one's image/reputation and alter the way they're seen. It's stupid and apparently FAKE, so why do it?

I have a new fetish for flats, boots and dresses. Everytime I walk into a store, I walk out drooling over materialistic items. What can you do? My wallet has a hole in it. Hello $1.10

07/04/07

2007-04-07T21:13:00.000+10:00

Okay, so today I met up with Monique, Hannah and Angela at Town Hall and it's amazing to see how many people are perverts. We had lunch at Seoul-Ria cause I actually like that restaurant. I realised that the waiter looks like a singer from Superjunior. Haha. Monique took photos and got caught by some lady sitting near us. Whatever, it was funny. Hannah got everyone to try all the side dishes but no-0ne could try the kimchi. Lol, can't eat that thing and she also kept dropping her cutlery therefore waiters and waitresses kept coming to serve. Afterwards, we walked to Passionflower and had the usual, and Monique, Angela (maybe) and I are going to conquer the thirteen scoops of icecream this Friday. Haha. After rolling out of the store, we walked up to Capitol and took some photos. Lol at our 'noobie' decorating; random dots on faces and fog helmets for Monique. Haha. Funny. How's that for brief? That was our day. I'm lazy.

06/04/07

2007-04-06T10:23:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was spent with Rosa at the city trying to shop for clothes to wear for the holidays or whenever. We walked around QVB picked out t-shirts and rosa bought a bag at Nine West. It was quite pretty actually. We paid visits to practically every decent store yet the wallet wasn't taken out much. I have a craving for actual winter clothing. Okay, I love winter. Lol at QVB, we were going up the escalator and there were 3 fob girls infront of us being quite loud and annoying. I stared at Rosa and she stared back giving looks of annoyance. Then we heard voices behind us so we turned around and there was a whole class of them behind us. Yeah, it was funny at the time. Whatever, you had to be there to understand haha. Rosa never let go of that. Haha thank goodness we blended.

Afterwards, we had lunch at Seoul-ria; it was quite decent. We talked about certain things, certain people and certain issues etc. Rosa kept trying to make me eat five or six more spoons of food but I learnt my lession previously from Passionflower. Haha oh the shame. Afterwards, we went to Capitol but the stupid machine was gay. We only got two different photos which meant heaps of copies of the same 2 photos. We were noobs at decorating haha. Saw Steven. We still had approximately 30 minutes to kill before I had tutor so we went to Co Com to get my hair layered and what not. Forget the side fringe; they cut my fringe so f_cken short and they didn't even layer it properly. So I paid $25 to be embarrassed for the next few weeks. Turds. I don't trust Korean hairdressers anymore. Grrr! Afterwards I walked to Rosa full dissing the hairdresser and she saw my hair and started laughing. Lol, the pain. Saw Gavin/Kevin. Okay, I don't remember his name. Walked to the station. Saw Alex.

Then there was tutor. Yeah, I was seven minutes late but that's because the train was travelling so slow. Okay, I lie. Nothing happened. Just the usual. Then I had time to kill. Had nowhere to go so I went to kill time at the library. Bumped into Divine so we walked to my second tutor of the day together. Divine complained that she was fat so I died o_o Well yeah, nothing really happened at that tutor either. Okay, so there's a Kenny Kwan look-a-like at tutor. Haha yay. But of course, the real person's better haha *faints*

Next plan's to go shopping with my mum since she hasn't been out for a while and yeah, I want things. And also, going to the city with Monique and Hannah on Saturday.

Okay, so this period of confusion keeps making me hate myself. It really is frustrating. You imagine things that won't even come true and are beyond appropriate or realistic. You compare things that don't interrelate. It's like two replicate electromagnets of equal polarity trying to mate as someone once said. Haha. Well yes, it's simple yet so complicated.

04/04/07

2007-04-04T13:41:00.000+10:00

HAPPY BELATED TO BENJI & ALSO TO JEIN :]

Okay so the long awaited holidays have just begun but it really doesn't seem like it's worth the lengthy wait since all the girls are still at school or home, either studying hard for their exams or bludging whilst just having the tiniest spark of hope that they'll at least pass. So, the typical entry contents for after exam blocks:

Monday 26/03 - Can anyone suck at comprehensions more than I do? Oh my gosh. I was shocked at my horrible answers. My hands, my arms, my wrists and my head was aching when I heard the words "Alright girls. Pens down. No more writing."

Tuesday 27/03 - Biology was alright. Everyone found it bearable. I'll never understand the concepts about transportation in plants. Screw them. I'd rather study myself. Rofl.

Wednesday 28/03 - Mathematics. Of course, I didn't finish as usual.

Thursday 29/03 - Finally a 'day off' studying for maths extension. Err, my plans didn't really work?

Friday 30/03 - Chemistry was so frustrating. I didn't study AT ALL for it. I walked out of the classroom and went home. Thank goodness I'm dropping that sucker. More free periods with Monique :)
(Monique thinks: "Oh no, jeebus no!" haha)

Monday 02/04 - Japanese was pretty fine. Every Japanese exam's somewhat similar. But extension maths on the other hand was horror. It was shocking. I forgot things I studied. Forgot substitution. OMFG. Thank goodness it's over? :/

Tuesday 03/04 - Didn't know what the Reformation was for the religion exam until I asked Connie. Oh, I'm hopeless. It's amazing how the teacher gave us the exact question on the notification sheet but I didn't spot it until there were five minutes left until the exam commenced. Monique kept staring at my legs throughout the exam. Lol apparently I move alot. Also, I started 2U tutor instead of Chemistry. I found it quite amusing how some girls can spend the whole class time bitching about other girls constantly. *A boy turns around: "Oooooh, are you talking about a slut?"* Haha. Divine kept complaining and worrying about her visual arts exam. Poor thing.

Okay there's the gist of how I did for my exams. So perfect, don't you think? I'm screwed. But enough of that for the next two weeks and few days. Thank goodness. Moving on, I only have a few plans for the holidays. Will they even happen? Who knows.

05/04 - City shopping with Rosa :)
07/04 - City with Monique and Hannah before Hannah goes overseas :(
14/04 - Might go to Raina's 18th with Monique.
16/04 - Rosa's BBQ. Mmm food. Haha.
Meeting Clara, Angela and Jein sometime.
Watch a movie or two.
Getting my haircut with Monique. Okay, I'll have a side fringe and more layering, thanks.
Rosa's plans. Lol of course.
At least one outing with most of the girls.
Rocio wants a drinkup. Haha.

I just can't be bothered caring about things or bothering sometimes. I couldn't care less what happens. It was better when you cared about nothing but the missing red crayon in your oversized pencil case.

18/03/07

2007-03-18T14:46:00.000+11:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUNNZ :]

Okay, complaints about center alignment has made me change back into the 'normal' way. Yeah, that pretty much shows how I'm easily influenced by others, does it not? Yeah, I'm frustrated. I hate my Japanese tutor teacher because he'd rather spend time talking and flirting with other teachers instead of waiting incase I had problems or questions. And he blames me and looks at me like I'm stupid when I get something wrong. What the hell's wrong with people nowadays?! They just don't think. Just 'cause they're good at something doesn't mean they can treat other people like idiots. Sure I might not be perfect at certain things but have you ever thought I've probably only learnt it for a quarter the length you have, if not less? Ugly, gay looking turd.

"When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look, you most likely turned your back on the world" - Monique

Alright, I'm really confused. No, I don't know what's been happening but I really hope there's a resolution, sooner or later; not only for the benefits of them but also for the people around them. I don't want to see them hurt or upset. I want to push this aside but I have nothing to do with it so all I can do is hope and wait for the better. "It'll get better" - that's all I can say but it really is true. Although things may seem forever 'screwed up', it'll always get better if you don't lose hope and you wish for the better. I just want things to be better because I've been there once and I'd hate to return there. The 'end product' is much better than the 'making process' so just hold in and things will get progressively better although it may seem to gradually worsen.

14/03/07

2007-03-14T17:11:00.000+11:00

did i say something that was unacceptable?
did i say something i shouldn't have said?
did i seclude you in any way?
these are the questions i'd like to know
& you're the only one who can answer them
yet i'm too afraid to ask
foolish? perhaps.

okay, there's no point on wasting time on silly people
but honestly, why can't they say things in person rather than
telling someone else who passes it on
and i eventually come to hear it?

eh, i'm not in the mood & i'm tired.
i have better things to do.
au revoir

"DON'T MAKE HER WAIT FOR YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE WILL"

13/03/07

2007-03-13T17:39:00.000+11:00

i can't help but assume the certain things are indirectly directed at me
and if it is, i really do hope that you come up to me and say it to me in person
because you really are quite silly
although i'm not the one to be talking
you should know better than anyone else that honesty really does come first
and that although there are many lies, there is only one key to release them
and that's the truth

i can't help but feel the way i feel or think the way i think
i can't help but feel insecure
when i get the impression that you're hiding things as opposed to prior whatever the reason
& when i feel that people are being quite seflish
i can't help feeling upset and disappointed when i get the feeling that
people are acting differently to what they really think

i can't get the thought off my mind;
that you're lying to me
it's something that's happened before and took an awfully long time to recover
and i know how aching that can really be
so i really don't want to get things into a more dramatic state than they already are

whoever's being a pain and doing things to deliberately hurt others;
karma will get back at you
and i hope you eventually learn your lesson no matter how long it takes
or how painful it is
the only way people like you ever learn is to have experienced it yourselves
why do it to someone who hardly does anything to anyone?
it's too pathetic, really.
and honestly, it really does make me frustrated
when some 'anonymous' person hurts those who are precious to me
'cause i really do adore their guts :]
awwwwwww.

it's quite funny that after a while some people are able to say certain things so easily
do you really know what it means?
do you understand how deep the meaning can really be?
do you know it's overused now? alot?

it's quite weird how your words and actions don't parallel eachother
it's more like your actions are contrasting with your words
it just doesn't make sense at all
and it turns you into someone who says things just to push things away

the 'possible' reason continually pops into my head
and i don't understand why
but i keep accusing people
something i know i shouldn't do
but i can't help but get mad

yes, i miss the past but i can't ever wish for it to be like that again
it's not my role to 'play God'
and control time
whatever happens happens
and I couldn't care less whether it 'pisses you off' or not.
'cause it makes me happy.

as time goes on, you really know who really wanted things to improve
or who couldn't care less because they were satisfied already
well, that's the thought that keeps coming to mind
yes, i'm pessimistic and jump to conclusions even though i always get them wrong
but i can't control my mind.
no-one can
and no-one has contributed to make it differ
so they don't have a right to comment on what i think is right or wrong

i'll speak my mind cause everyone has the right to
yeah, you can hate me for my thoughts or who i am
at least it's better than adoring someone i'm not
i don't want to be admired as a fake

you tend to always support your thoughts with reasons
but sometimes i wonder whether you actually take them into account
you jump to conclusions that this or that will happen if someone blah blah blah
but sometimes people are placed under circumstances which they can't help but change
unless they're willing to sacrifice major future consequences

"CONSIDER THE REAL MEANINGS OF THINGS YOU SAY"

12/03/07

2007-03-12T18:11:00.000+11:00

do school photos get any worse?
this year's photos were the worst.
no, we didn't see them yet but the photographers & school were so strict
year twelves didn't even get the 'priveliges' they were once given
how come everything ends when i'm just beginning?

okay holding in tears most nights doesn't last very long for me
and out of all the places i had to explode,
my heart told my stupid brain to let it all out at school
yes, it was stupid
and i was in a bigger mess than i am when i'm 'normal'

yeah, i'd tell people why i was in the state i was
& yeah, i'd explain and express what i thought
but really, i had no idea what i thought.
it's really confusing
i guess it really is every little thing coalescing together
that really does go to prove that others understand me better than i do
they seem to be able to interpret me at times when even i don't understand myself

it's disappointing that you seem to provide explanations
and yet your actions never support what you say
it just doesn't make sense to me
and everything seems unclear and patchy
maybe it's just something everyone deals with once in a while
but i'm probably just not used to it
and so i'm left in a constant phase where i'm completely blank

it's true and no-one can deny it
whenever one thing seems to get better,
the other progressively gets worse
whether it be quickly or slowly
why can't you be satisfied with two things
rather than one or the other?
yes, it's frustrating but i see no reason why it has to be like that

i guess that when you have a goal,
you're more determined
but how come that doesn't really seem to work for me?

it's quite amusing that i'm so weak when it come to words
you say a few words that you probably don't even mean
and i'm left quite happy & start smiling
yeah, it's quite silly if you ask me
but at least i can smile 'easily' for once

"HE WAS RIGHT. I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE A SUBSTITUTE"

10/03/07

2007-03-10T19:30:00.000+11:00

someone else treats me better
someone else treats me with more respect
someone else is friendlier
but i just couldn't care less
i still prefer you
and that's it.

okay, yeah i'm hypocritical
i can't stand when i read a stranger's entry about them 'blabbing on'
about their emotions
but i guess it's quite understandable now
you can't really say it to someone in person
because you're afraid of their reactions

okay, i hate it when you can't beat temptation
it gets the better of you
and it's able to control you
i hate how it's after you do certain things
it's then you realise what you've done
and it's then you regret doing the things you've done

i hate how i can't stick to plans
i'm quite stupid
i waste time and regret it later
what's the point when
i know lost time is never found
dumbasssss.

my imagination's the best thing that's ever happened to me
whenever something positive happens
it's almost always part of my imagination
it never happens in real life

"YOU ALWAYS KEEP ME WAITING"

09/03/07

2007-03-09T14:15:00.000+11:00

okay, first of all

happy seventeenth to angela
and today was the swimming carnival which was our last
and the worst one yet
no-one got into the spirit but i'm not the one to complain
since i'm the one who wore overalls
when the theme was 'Pirates of the Carribean'

the day mainly just consisted of pigging out on:
lollies, chips, tim tams, sushi and what not &
prank calls, conversations, tears, abuse, laughter, blue lips and photographs
hardly anyone paid attention
but that's quite understandable really

yes, i was hoping for some kind of contact from someone
but that was just me getting ahead of myself

08/03/07

2007-03-08T18:12:00.000+11:00

okay and so another japanese tutor has started for me
in stratty for two hours:
two different teachers
a korean male
& a japanese female
okay she's quite cute & nice :]
but she keeps looking at the clock
to see how much longer she has to suffer by teaching me
the man is so 'flirty' seriously
he disrupts my lesson to talk to my teacher about another teacher
WTF piss off?!
just came back from there
and now i'm tired
i hate not understanding something i've been learning for around 2.5 years
well i can't blame everything on the school teacher although she's quite horrible
cause i never try
which always leads to failures
okay, enough 'lectures about life'

liezl & carman's birthday 'celebration'
is on december fifteenth
it'll be nice, i think
get to meet 93485720762075073 people
i assume.

i just want you to visit
or call
or message me
or tell me that you wanna talk.

"ONE MOMENT YOU'RE HERE, BUT THE NEXT, YOU'RE GONE"

07/03/07

2007-03-07T16:03:00.000+11:00

there's an awkwardness that constantly remains there
something that wasn't there before
has somehow found its way there
i don't know why, for sure
but i'm pretty certain i have the idea why

it's true
time means absolutely nothing
you can know someone for around half a year
or a month or however long
but they can be the one who comforts you best
although everyone else says they're useless or stupid
they can be the one who makes you laugh most
and makes you smile whenever a word is spoken
they remain in your head
and even the slight thought of them
or the mention of they're name
can make you smile
even the smallest things they do can make you proud
but once they're away you can't help but think negatively
you can't help but wonder if someone else's comments are true
you can't help but consider whether or not
they've forgotten about everything
and you're quite frustrated about how someone can change so dramatically
with five or six words
i feel like i've had something quite special taken away by someone
who doesn't seem real
someone who seems superficial and selfish
someone who only judges one by physical appearances or interests
quite frankly, it's silly.
let's just say that 1 month has overtaken 8
now that thing is acting like a barrier
pulling two people apart
and it's so upsetting honestly
what's the point of having something for a while, growing close to them
but eventually having them 'taken away' from you
i don't know why i can't help but
get the feeling that i've lost you

"SO I GO OUTSIDE AND FAKE A SMILE"

06/03/07

2007-03-06T16:11:00.000+11:00

im curious about why i keep getting the feeling that i'm doing something wrong or weird
when there's nothing wrong with it
and there's practically nothing weird about it
why do i keep getting the feeling that i'm being constantly looked upon
and why do i feel like i'm being monitored?
eh, i don't care.

well yeah, we got our english essays back
and i topped the class for the second time
hurrrrrray!
okay. no, i'm not a nerd so don't call me it
okay, i need my daily dose of boasting
that's the only thing that heightens my self esteem
after it's been pushed down for so long
during the past

okay, so i finished school and was walking to the car to practice driving like i always do
and i came across my primary school friend
yeah, we waved yadayadayada
and it's so awkward i hate it
but what can you do?
you haven't even seen eachother for almost 6 years
so i guess it's quite understandable
and i guess i always did lack communication with 'boys'
from my primary school
they were all weird, ugly and/or fat.
haha okay, that's cruel.
but oh well, there's an improvement

oh, i hate it when you say something
and it begins to spread
it's frustrating but you can't get mad because you started the whole thing
ahhhhh! okay, stupid teenage issues can be dealt with alone and later
ick, i want to graduate.
then there would be no 'silly problems'
this is pathetic

"HELLO GOODBYE"

05/03/07

2007-03-05T16:31:00.000+11:00

i should really stop 'changing my mind' so easily
it's something i keep to myself
but even i seem to despise myself for that reason
as well as many other factors that contribute
to make a whole bundle of negative 'characteristics'.

i think i also need to stop worrying about little things
for extended periods of time
and when i say extended, i mean extendeddddddd.

okay, now we can laugh
we can say things whenever we want to without wondering what people will think
we don't have to feel strange or have any feelings of shame or pity.
i like it this way

there's one thing i've learnt quite recently
you should never give up until you know it's definitely over
and when i mean definite,
i mean that you're so sure you would be able to risk your life
and the life of everyone else you love upon it
you should keep trying and striving to reach a certain point of happiness,
satisfaction or contentment

it feels good
quite great really.
or should i say 'ecstatic' in a way
now i have nothing to worry about
okay, maybe a few things
but it's a shorter list of things now

anyway moving on
the swimming carnival got postponed and it frustrated everyone
especially those who had to go back home to change into uniform
and for those, like me, who bludged the night before
well, news came that it's back on this friday
and if it rains,
and gets postponed once more,
i'm not attending it
and that's final.

oh, and about liezl and carman's 'birthday party'
there's now an approximated date
possibly the seventeenth of december
yeah, i'm more excited than the 'birthday girls'
maybe it's the price of 'nearly' $1000 which make me look forward to it
or maybe it's the bonding time,
the communicating time
meeting up with the girls & .. boys?
or okay, it might be the DJ
or the $100 worth of drinks
or the possible hotel for those who can't go home afterwards
or fine, maybe it's cause i wanna know what people look like in real life
or maybe it's the theme i wanna dress up for
maybe its because then, HSC will be over
and it'll be party time until we get our results
which pretty much determines our whole life path :/
well either way,
i'm, sure it'll be lovely.
and i'm there. definately :]

oh yes, we're drifting apart
and i miss you.
but you don't care.
so neither will i.
it's just not as easy as it sounds.
from 7/7 to 2/7 to 1/7, almost 0/7.
everything in relation to that is practically all muddled up
and quite horrible
and veryyyyyy disappointing
but what can you do?
nothing.

"HELLO GOODBYE"

04/03/07

2007-03-04T22:38:00.000+11:00

okay, so i missed the mardi gras this year
but there's a pretty fair chance that i'll be there next year
with makeup and fake eyelashes
okay, maybe i'm getting a bit ahead of myself

the weather's been spastic lately
and lightning & thunder keeps scaring me
that mixed with 239856103950915 chicken girls
at an all girls' school isn't a good mix

okay things are really looking brighter with friends
i think i love them all quite dearly
they're quite special
and they mean something i can't put into words
okay, enough 'lovely dovey' talk

oh, but on the other hand
there's one thing that could be better
i wish we would communicate
i wish we could still laugh
and mess around with eachother
i wish we could still talk without feeling a tad 'weird'
alright, it's not what you think it is
it's something else

i was reading my past 'blog entries'
and i thought to myself:
"oh my, what an emotional wreck"
but hey, i'm trying to be satisfied

okay, a car just drove past my house
skidding its way past like a crazy maniac
that freaked me out
it's quite annoying
i hope s/he gets a flat tire

i know what it feels to achieve something
it's quite satisfying.
very. to be honest.
and i like it.
i like it alotttttttt.

foolish

2007-01-12T19:42:00.000+11:00

Why did you have to go and start something when you're willing to give up so easily and not be able to take responsibility for the things you choose to say or do? Why would you treat someone so well if you're going to turn out being so cruel and selfish? Why would you be so polite, so caring, so loving, so generous if you're going to turn to me one day and treat me like an idiot, a fool, some stranger? Why did I even go in the first place? I should've said 'no'. I shouldn't have fallen for your tricks. I shouldn't have let myself go. It felt like the right thing to do but it turns out it was the complete opposite. Why can't you be consistent? Why are people so inconsiderate when they used to be the most precious, the most beautiful people? Why would you make me smile one day but make me cry another? Why would you let me down? Why would you make me upset? You used to care. You used to talk. You used to smile. You used to be so lovely. I couldn't have asked for more. All the tears I cried; was it even worth it? Was it worth only a few weeks or so of smiles, laughter and happiness? Was it really worth my tears, my happiness, my time, my consideration, my care? Everytime you're feeling upset or need something, I try to comfort you the best I can yet you repay me with stupid remarks. I try and provide you with the things you want even though I don't really have anything to offer in particular. Would you be able to do something to me even though it would jeopardise something for you? It's called making sacrifices. It's something I did for you but got nothing in return but heartache and misery. It's great how I just get this when I did all that. I'm just another person out of the many you've met already. Yes, I'm probably nothing anyway. I'll just sit here, not even looking pretty. I'll keep sitting here, without moving; waiting for something I know I'll never be able to get. Why do other people have luck despite how they treat others? How come they get the things they don't deserve? How can they cause so much pain yet not suffer any of it themselves? I don't understand. I try to be quite polite to whoever I may come across yet I'm faced with countless problems, a million tears I have to shead alone and a loss of something which not anyone can replace? Is it fun to play games? Everytime I'm serious, you're not. When you're serious, I try to be. Or do you try? Maybe it just doesn't show. Oh, I don't know. Your mind's too complex for me to follow. You're never open. And when you are, I try and offer whatever I can but you just ignore me and move away to someone else who can do much better than I can. Someone who can sympathise for you. Someone who can be upset with you. Someone who can lend you a shoulder to lean on. I can do all that. Why would you throw me behind and leave me for other people? Aren't I good enough? If that's so, shouldn't you have realised that ever since the beginning? If you do this to me now, what would you do if someone from the past wanted you back? Would you run back to them? Would you throw away your pride and self-respect? You told practically everyone you knew that you'd return to that person. It disappoints me. It hurts me to know. I try to pretend like I don't know but everytime you treat me like you're doing now, I can't help but think about it. I don't know. I guess it's all my fault. But it's your fault somehow. Well, at least I hope it is.

넌 나를 떠났고 날 실망시켰어. 넌 날 울리고 나를 버렸어.

12/01/07

2007-01-12T15:26:00.000+11:00

Alright, so this is how yesterday went. Monique, Hannah, Connie, Brandy and I met up at Ashfield station, not to mention that Hannah was still at home at around 12:20 when we were supposed to meet up at 12. It was an awfully hot day so the lovely hugs did not last very long for the sake of the hugger and the person receiving them. We walked to Debbie's place and sat down on the couch while everyone watched in pure amazement of how talkative and high Brandy was despite being completely sober, or that's what we thought. We walked to the mall to buy some liquor for the afternoon and went to several stores trying to firgure out what our taste buds were asking for. Brandy and I got ourselves chicken kebabs there and I was constantly disrupted during my 'consuming of food' by Brandy constantly asking me why I was eating so fast and comments around the lines of telling me to slow down and that she'd be all alone if I finished quickly. Haha. So childish. So cute. Well we finally got to Monique's place and made ourselves comfortable. We just turned on the television, opened the drinks, chips, heated up pizza from the day before or so and what not. Time flew by as always. As they say- time flies when you're having fun. And before we knew it, it was time for Connie to leave for tutor but no-one wanted her gone so we called up her tutor monk and told her that she couldn't attend classes today because of a doctor's appointment. Haha. Brandy as Connie's aunty. Whilst listening to the conversation, Monique and I started mocking and laughed at ourselves trying to speak Chinese. As soon as Brandy's little baby voice went on, I turned to Monique and saw her put her hand on her face and shaking her head in disappointment. Haha. Well, that was over and there was nothing to be suspected. Minutes or hours flew by and one by one people began getting drunk or as Brandy would say- "Tipsy to the max". I got the worst stomach ache. We went online and Brandy called Aldrin ugly. I laughed at it but felt bad afterwards. Honest. Hehe. After everyone got sober again, we ate noodles and chocolate. Put away the drinks before Monique's dad arrived who cooked himself sausages whilst we stole the rest when he went into another room. We watched 'Hard Candy' and goodness, it was a very very boring film. The girls were watching it. I was waiting for someone online. They were online but never said a thing. I was disappointed. We played 'ABCD' and gosh! Hannah slaps like a mad woman. She gave me lumps on my hands after the third go or so. Revenge didn't really work. Brandy was horrified at the idea of slapping; constantly trying to persuade us to let her free 'cause she needed her hands to write essays. The constant refusal of Brandy refusing to get slapped led to Monique and Hannah sexually harrassing her. No, really. Haha. Time went by. Photos were taken. Hannah, Brandy and I walked to the station. We had an awfully long train ride. Brandy got nervous. I lied down in the train infront of a stranger as horrible as it sounds. Hannah and I got off at Campsie. I threw my ticket away too early. Fag train officer told me to go get it to prove I paid for the ride. It was horrible. I cursed him in my head and to Hannah. I hope he gets sacked. Haha. What a dodgy entry. I think I missed the major points of the day. Oh, and apparently Monique vomited three times. Poor thing. Oh, and also Baileys is yummy :)

Monique.

2007-01-03T14:18:00.000+11:00

monique. ilu susan NDBP ?3. C.R#7. says:
go write monique rocks my little world upside down, round and round.
-- it's susan〃iLY MONiQUE NDBP ?3 says:
lmao haha xD how cute
monique. ilu susan NDBP ?3. C.R#7. says:
hey its not a matter of cute.
monique. ilu susan NDBP ?3. C.R#7. says:
well wait yeah i am cute
monique. ilu susan NDBP ?3. C.R#7. says:
but!
monique. ilu susan NDBP ?3. C.R#7. says:
its just fact, that me & all my cuteness rocks your little world upside down, round & round.
monique. ilu susan NDBP ?3. C.R#7. says:
duhfrederick.

I swear I love her like fat kids love cake.
I need her like a busting child needs a vacant cubicle.
I just adore her little guts :)
XX

27/12/06

2006-12-27T22:24:00.000+11:00

New Year's Eve is approaching so quickly and for some reason I'm quite excited. No, I don't have any plans in particular but things seem to get better as time flies by. Went shopping with Monique today and I only bought a few things yet I feel content and regret not buying more cause my mum actually liked the things and hoped I bought more; the bag and tops. Well, there's always next time for shopping and poor old Monique (my stylist lol) has to suffer my indecisiveness. Well, these are the things I ended up with:

Black supatubes - $129.95
Black heels - $109.99
Black waist belt - $15

As if you can't tell when someone's trying to avoid your calls. Damn stubborn Asians desperate to learn English from 'seventeen' year olds. Foolish, I say.

26/12/06

2006-12-26T15:58:00.000+11:00

I'm feeling a little happier nowadays. But it somehow seems weird.

Hope everyone had a 'Merry Christmas' and now it's just a matter of time until New Years Eve comes. I must say this year's Christmas wasn't even a tad 'merry' but it was definately memorable. Christmas Eve was quite pleasing. Practically all the girls got sick from the pancakes at The Rocks and poor Brandy looked as dead as a doormat and was sick for a few hours or so it seemed. We went to the markets and I saw absolutely nothing I wanted to purchase. Oh, but still good luck to those shop keepers in selling items to keep their families alive and kicking. Afterwards, we were planning to spend the rest of our time at karaoke with drinks. We had a few problems trying to get our hands on the things we wanted but eventually we got those suckers. Oh goodness, it's funny what people will do for the things they really want at a certain time and then they regret it the next day. The weather was really horrible; windy and rainy. The day went a little something like this:

Susan crying & in turn making me cry
Brandy being completely off her face
Brandy divorcing me
Connie throwing up into the bin
Hannah laughing at drunk people
Brandy confessing love for Hannah
Brandy saying Hannah had a penis
Angela & I singing while everyone was doing their own thing
West Coast, Smirnoff & Coke
Susan & I sitting in the little box area and singing
Susan licking my cheek out of the blue
Connie losing her shoe
Connie & I singing Jay Chou =]]
Brandy still being off her face two hours later
Connie burping and scaring an old lady
Connie running through the halls of karaoke like a pixie
Korean guys asking for Susan & Hannahs number
Korean guys asking us to teach them english
Korean guys ringing Susans phone
Me speaking Korean to them on the phone as Susan told me what to say
The rain killing my hair
Us thinking about them =[[
Convincing Susan & Brandy NOT to go to Fairfield
Susan saying she doesn't know me
Me bashing my head on the top of the box thing multiple times
Brandy singing 'The Greatest Love Of All'
Susan & I singing 'Lucky' & 'I Want It That Way'
Drunkos at the train station
Brandy constantly trying to follow Hannah
Susan smashing a Westcoast bottle
Susan & Connie getting Cut
Hannah bandaging Connies toe
Connie wiping her foot on me =_=;;
Me touching connies toe =_=;;

Source: Monique <3

21/12/06

2006-12-21T19:39:00.000+11:00

After you thought you had nothing to lose and you thought things couldn't get any worse than they were before, they got worse. You try so hard to make things better and yet your effort has no effect on the problem. The tears you cry aren't for that person. It's the person you thought s/he was. You see the smallest things and it even surprises yourself on what an impact little things can have on you. You know it's really hard to forget about the past and move on so that's possibly the reason why you seem to over react but still it doesn't make any sense to you. You never thought such a thing was possible in that person and the way you had to find out was quite upsetting and also shocking. It's possibly the worst way to come to the realisation of things like these but I guess you knew it all in the first place. You knew that things would be like that if not worse so you don't really understand why you're so disappointed. You make decisions which really hurt not only yourself but the people around you and it finally comes to the stage where there's no turning back no matter how hard you try or how much you yearn for that thing. When it finally comes to the stage where you have to leave everything behind, you just want to rewind and start everything all over again. Fresh. It really does make your heart ache but at the same time it actually makes you angry at how self-centred one can be at one time yet so thoughtful and caring at another. It never seems to make sense to you what that person's really feeling and what thoughts are running through that person's mind. It's quite funny how the smallest things can make you happy but even smaller things can make you upset. It's quite weird how the first thing that comes to mind is the thought of forgiving someone for their actions rather than trying to plan revenge on them. You always seem to compare the emotional pain to the physical pain you may currently be suffering and you can't help but agree that the emotional pain really is much more unbearable than the rest. You try so hard to seem the closest to half decency as you possibly can but you seem to catch the wrong kind of attention. The things you don't really want or need seem to always be available to you. It's quite ironic how sometimes you say something about a certain issue but you mean the complete opposite. You find certain things extremely grateful but others really inappropriate, pointless and saddening. The only things you can do at certain times are strictly limited and yet you can't seem to get them right. You always go off in the wrong track and even though there are 'road signs' up to guide you on where to go and what to do, you're completely lost and have absolutely no idea on what to do. Sometimes you question those signs and wonder if they're ever made to deceive you. Those things you really trust come to question and that leads you to think of yourself as awfully pathetic. You begin to lose trust in the most trustworthy things and you fall for the things you've barely gotten to know or understand. It really does seem to scare you at times when you feel like the things you really wanted are trying to escape or avoid you. It feels like they're trying to abandon you because you're selfish and want everything to yourself. Well now you can finally come to the realisation of the things that you thought you could only see in movies and wish for the same; sincerity, heartfelt apologies and a perfect resolution to everything whether it be large or small.

20/12/06

2006-12-20T16:24:00.000+11:00

I guess you can't help but sympathise for those you cared for so much, and still do in a way. You really do know when someone has played the tiniest role in your life when you think about what you could do to make things improve and yet you make things worse and hate yourself for it. You'd rather blame things on yourself rather than on that person and you would do what seems like practically whatever it took to keep that person at least close to happy or pleased. You hate it when they're upset and furthermore, whenever bad karma seems to go their way you'd rather have to suffer it for them but when it really does come back to bite you, you want someone else to suffer and can't realise the reason why you always seem to have 'bad luck'. If they're upset, it, in return, makes you upset. You want them to remain happy but it never seems to go that way. People think you're foolish or pathetic but you just couldn't care less. You hate those nights where you just can't seem to fall asleep because there's just too many thoughts running through your mind. You start crying and your pillow literally feels soaked. You try and be open. You want to tell that person what's wrong and yet you don't want their pity. Your actions seem to confuse yourself as well as others. You say the wrong things and do stupid things at inappropriate times yet you can't help but hope that things will get better eventually. How can someone else apprehend your actions when you yourself cannot either? Why do you try so hard to find out certain things even though you know the answer will leave you shattered. You worry about wasting time yet you leave all the things with high priorities behind and focus on other useless things. You're silly.

18/12/06

2006-12-18T13:52:00.000+11:00

I'm stupid. I constantly confuse myself and I can't distinguish between lies or the truth. I fall too quickly and easily, and it takes me almost forever to get my mind off things. I think about the smallest things too often, if not all the time. I cry over the little things and I can't seem to let go easily. I'm easily frustrated and when I'm feeling upset, you're the person who I tend to think about even though you couldn't care less. I do things that not even I can explain. I fall for things when they're just too horrible or too good. I can't express my feelings and I feel like an emotional wreck. The slightest bump in the road can make me stumble. I'm easily afraid and and awfully scared of being betrayed or let down. I do and say things I shouldn't and I regret them later yet I still do them again. I hate promises being broken but I guess they were probably made for that reason. I take things too seriously and other things, not serious enough. You play me like a toy and treat me like a fool. You're the foolish one. You're the stupid one who doesn't know how to understand what people try to tell you. I'm tired of trying to make things seem close to perfect when they're not. I don't want to have to force myself to smile whenever you're near or pretend like I'm having the best time of my life when I'm with you because I honestly am not. I might have felt so previously but now it's just like some punishment through which I come to the realisation of things I didn't necessarily need to know. You don't know how to distinguish between things either. You think you're perfect when you're not. You annoy me at times but then you make me extremely happy at other times which leaves me in a lengthy phase of confusion. I miss you. I really do but something tells me that I don't. Understand me now? I don't even know how I feel let alone why.

Wisdom too often never comes, and so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late.

It'll be over hopefully by the new year approaching soon. It's such a shame I had so many plans yet none of them have actually happened. I try so hard to occupy myself and keep myself busy so I can keep my mind off such 'minor' things. Sometimes it works but there's some days where I completely give up on my plans and just lie down and think about the past. I listen to music. I hear the lyrics. I hate being able to relate to them. Then I think about all the horrible things I've been through and I start crying. Shedding a tear or two, here and there. Everyone seems to be so happy and they've been able to get better and happier whilst I'm once again left behind by myself in this state called 'melancholy'. You always trick me with your lies and it confuses me. It makes me feel even worse despite that they're supposed to cheer me up or whatever other intentions you had. It makes me feel so lost. No, that's not a good or positive thing. Maybe tomorrow will provide me with something a little better than today. Maybe the day after tomorrow.

On a little 'happier', yet delayed note; on the twelfth, I went on a little outing to the zoo with some of the girls. It was alright I suppose despite being constantly irritated at something I thought I wouldn't be by now. And I've finally made up my mind about certain issues. It's probably seflish of myself but I think people are in need of learning a few things. Overall, I saw some boy with lovely blue eyes on the bus, some man with a pretty smile on the train and some hideous boy on the 'cable ride' who thought he had a good body, but clearly did not.

On Saturday, I followed Monique to Dannie's house. C&P'd from Monique's blog. Too lazy to type. Apparently there were: (Note: 'Me/I' refers to Monique for those idiots who are confused)

Random Kisses
Holes in the wall & broken doors
Smashed Cars w/ no fuel
Burnt food
Drunkos & Gronks
160 bottles of Smirnoff
Susan chasing me for Smirnoff
Photographs
Phone calls
Walks down the street
Ann attempting to climb a boat
James attempting to show us 'trippy lights'
Junny & Aaron trying to make videos
Dannie & I walking around recording everything
Dannie & I attempting to chuck an allnighter & failing
Hannah & I taking pictures of James while he was smashed
Rosa & I rolling Hannah around in a trolley
Susan & Hannah falling flat on the ground
Susan spilling fanta on my dress
Janelle & I cooking sausages
The boys burning the food
Sleeping on the floor in the middle of James & Hannah -_-''
Hannah trying to convince me to walk her home at 2am
Raina & I losing everything we owned at some point during the day
Raina & I pranking Dannies phone at 7am to wake her up
The girls & guys giving Fiela more smirnoff while saying 'here, it's water'
Happy news which made Susan & I jump up & down and hug like crazy =]]
Random unknown hookups
Angry parents =[[
Missing certain people
Rain look-a-like
Ann shoving a phone down Susans crotch xD

I miss Monique an awful lot. I really do. Yes, I saw her 2 nights ago but I'm used to seeing her everyday so leave me alone. *hugsssssssssssssssss for Monique*
XX

15/12/06

2006-12-15T14:14:00.000+11:00

Something that you once wished would last a long long time if not forever has vanished. Maybe it was nothing to begin with in the first place. Just exaggeration. You try searching for it but it really has disappeared and it's quite clear you'll never see it again. It seems like things keep coming and going. Nothing ever tends to remain or stay in a single place. Everything seems awfully remote around here now. You worry that there was nothing in the first place; only your thoughts you believed were right but turned out to be completely wrong and just muddled up. I want to tell you there's nothing so you'll stop doing the things you do. I want to tell you that whatever you thought was wrong. There's better and I should aim for those not the stupid things that would never last. How can something last a while if you don't take things seriously? Everything seems like a joke to you. Just a board game; it doesn't matter if you win or not. No-one will remember it in the future anyway unless it really was a significant game. No such thing. You're such a difficult person to understand and deal with. Why do people long for perfection in others when they're not that either? You want everything to be perfect and you cannot bear but ignore them if that one aspect is different or unpretty. Let's just pretend it's a positive thing that you're so willing to be open about it. You tell lies or should I say jokes. They may be funny to you but I see nothing close to hilarity in the words you say. I'm possibly taking things to seriosuly and being overly pessimistic but it's just called getting ready for the worst to come. It was great until you came. Well not really great. Just better. I was happy. I was smiling and I was talking with that person. After you came it made me feel weird and I felt an awkwardness I don't even want to remind myself about. I thought it would be lovely. Even better that you would be there but things were all 'ruined'. I wish I could rewind back to then and change the things I said, the things I did and the way I did those things. Oh, so this is the feeling of knowing that you're not good enough. So this is the pain just one person can make you suffer. So these are the tears one person can make you shed. So these are the many nights that person's thoughts overcloud your thoughts. So this is how foolish and lost you feel for falling too easily and quickly. So these are the emotions you have to deal with each day. So these are the memories you never want to let go of. So this is the person who's left you confused. This is the person you cared for so much. So how does it feel knowing that you're effort and consideration has gone to waste? It feels horrible.

14/12/06

2006-12-14T19:52:00.000+11:00

I got my Ls today. As soon as I finished eating dinner, my brother was overwhelmingly eager to illegally teach me a trick or two and things didn't go too well. I was in the driveway practicing how to accelerate slowly and brake but I got overly excited and pressed the accelerator too quickly instead of the brake. Almost hit the van and my mum who was apparently trying to save me by willing to hurt herself. Oh, the shock. Brother ran out of the car and father took his place. Oh goodness gracious. Awfully hard it was. I got glares from cars at the rear for driving way too slow and father got frustrated but eventually started laughing which made me laugh. He told me I wasn't allowed to laugh yet. Oh goodness.

It's quite interesting how you don't know what you've got til it's gone. You never really took that thing seriously but now that it's gone, you miss it. It's quite weird. It was the last thing you ever imagined but you just regret being so careless. Now that it's not there anymore to comfort you, you feel so alone. The thing you thought that would never have an impact on you actually has. It was foolish of you to do certain things which would clearly leave someone in the state of giving up. You knew it would cause misinterpretations. Sometimes you just get your priorities mixed up and you hate yourself for it. If I could go back and change it, I honestly would. I should have followed you. Then nothing would have changed. It would have been normal.

Why is it that whenever you hope things turn out good, they turn out so plain? I thought it would be special. I thought it might have been better. I thought that I would come to the realisation of things but I didn't. I thought it would make me happy but it just let me down. There was nothing. It was all different. The things that were once there felt like nothing; they had practically vanished. Maybe because of the circumstances but still, I was disappointed. I sacrificed several things yet I didn't get anything back in return. Perhaps I'm just wishing for too much but really, I wanted what I thought I had before even though it was just a misconception. I wouldn't mind if I was the only one who saw it as long as I was glad.

Something I once felt comfortable doing, now makes me feel awkward and insecure. Now I really do hope my mind doesn't get ahead of me again and I really hope I don't ruin things again. I want things to run smooth but there's always barriers which you don't seem to be able to conquer. If only things had remained as they were, I'd be so happy. So satisfied. But it hasn't and I've gotten to understand peoples' thoughts and actions well now. I know that it's gone and it'll never come back. I really do dislike the things you do and the things you say. You constantly upset or embarrass me. You're so thick. You don't seem to understand anything. You used to seem so perfect and I only saw the positive aspects of you. Why is it that now I can see the negative aspects clearly as well? It's probably about time I just let go possibly.

You're so shallow. You give up on things you shouldn't too easily and yet you have the patience to wait for other things of less importance. You seem to apprehend the things I think yet you still have no brains as to act like you do. You don't care what I do. You just seem to care about yourself but how can I complain? I don't deserve anything anyway. I never did. It was just pure luck because you felt stupid and we were weather sick. Let's blame it on mother nature so I can easily forget the past. Yes, I know it's shameful of someone to blame others but it's the only way I can keep my mind off things for a little while at least.

geunyangchingurojinaegirogyolshimhaesseunikkanheundeulgaehajimarajyojaebal.

09/12/06

2006-12-09T13:35:00.000+11:00

There's nothing I can do now I suppose. Things happen. Even the tiniest things can make your world feel like it's breaking down. It's happened already and nothing can change it now. Only time can tell you what will happen next. I want to know what went wrong. Where did I go wrong? Is there something I can do to make you alter your decisions? Was it just a playful joke? Well, the consequences of falling too deep are beginning to show. At times I just want you to leave forever and never return. I don't want to hear what you want or think. I'd rather prefer to be blind at times than to see you go around doing things which will hurt me. I hate seeing those little things which make me feel like giving everything up. After thinking that I would be able to let things go, something keeps telling me to hold on. I hate me for confusing myself. Everything seemed perfect and lovely. More than I could have ever asked for. I couldn't have asked for more at that moment. A few weeks and everything was literally shattered.

I had my hopes too high and I think announcing things just make them turn out horribly wrong. Tell me, why don't you see things when everyone else does? Why'd you give up on me so soon? Don't I make it obvious enough for you? I try so many countless times to make you see the things I feel but you just don't get it. You're so slow and foolish. Sometimes I just feel like running to you and screaming it to your face. But I guess there's no use doing that 'cause all I'll be left with is a situation even worse and irreversible than the one I'm currently having troubles facing. I wanted to be the one you could call to talk to at any time. I wanted to be the one who would run to you whenever you needed. I thought I could be all that. Turns out I had nothing to offer anyway and it'll probably be like that for as long as you can imagine. I want you to know what it feels like to be unworthy of doing things you've only dreamt about. I fell asleep crying again.

I always pictured everything to turn out wonderfully. I thought it would be like those movies where the person always gets what they want. They get whatever they wish for. They get their fairytale endings. What happened to mine? Who would have guessed? Everything was at it's best and as soon as one things goes wrong so do many other things. It feels like you control everything of mine. You always seem to overpower me without even realising it. She was right to have pity on me for never getting what I wanted. She was right to rub it in my face. I probably deserved it more than anyone else. It's just that I don't know what horrible things I could've done to deserve such a thing to this extent. Whatever it is, I wish I could just rewind and start all over again or just fast-foward to the time where everything will be more bearable in the future. I really did look forward to doing those things but now I just don't know if I should even reconsider. It was practically the 'highlight' of my awful days but now it's more like a barrier keeping me from things I long for. You always seem to be there; just not for me. It's fine I guess. I can't really change it now. But make it anymore obvious and you might as well just announce it to my face.

There's no need to boast about things. You might end up like I already have. I'm literally dying inside. This smile I smile today is really the equivalent of many tears I shed inside yesterday. It makes me want everything to come to a pause. I don't want to even wonder what tomorrow will be like. Why should anyone when it's quite clear that as more and more time passes, everything gets worse. I try not to notice it but it's just there laughing at me. Those short little words can really cause so many mixed emotions. You never seem to take me seriously the one time I want you to. You just sit there giving me short and bitter answers. I told you I didn't like them once. What makes you think that I would like them now?

Once again I sit in my room alone. I put some music on and I just sit on my bed thinking about the past and what I've done to ruin things. I'm left thinking about things to do so I can get my mind off things. Every minute seems like an hour. The heartache I suffer seems like the amount someone should go through within their whole life span, not on a daily basis every week of every month. There really is no such thing as 'forever'. It's just a stupid word which lets people down every now and then.

If you had to choose one person, who would it be?

mel·an·chol·y [mel-uhn-kol-ee]
-noun

1.	a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression.

2.	sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

06/12/06

2006-12-06T21:49:00.000+11:00

Maybe it's a good sign. But just as one thing seems to get better you announce yet another. I've also noticed something a while ago and all I hope is for it to be just sheer coincidence. I wonder what that person can offer. What's so special about that person as opposed to myself? Is it something I can change because I'll be prepared to. I'm really tired but I refuse to give up. At one moment, I say I'll let everything slip and pass me by but then at another I keep reassuring that I shouldn't. My one single mind is giving me two completely different thoughts which continually leads me from A to B and then back to A. There aren't any arrows pointing to a certain direction so I'm left to make decisions on my own; something I clearly do not like doing. There aren't any signals and no navigational tools to help guide me.

So this is it? This is the end of what seems to me like everything? So it doesn't even matter to you anymore? You can forget past things so easily. Are you that forgiving that you've forgotten completely everything? What happened to the things you told me? Have you chosen a new path as opposed to the one you were currently walking? So all the things you told me were absolute lies? You talked so negatively so I thought differently but I guess I was tricked into believing you. I'm surrounded by lies and don't even know who to trust or believe. I've let myself down several times so I can't even believe in myself.

I can't help but feel horrible because the thought of pushing you aside constantly remains and bugs me. Everytime I see you log online, I feel so bad because I actually know what it feels like since I've been through it myself. I guess you never really know how someone feels until you've been through it yourself. Well, I'm glad you've gained something much better and you're happy now. It's true to say that you've gained much more than you've bargained for. I can't still think and hope that you'll return to the way you were before.